Eliza's funny

I told Eliza tomorrow was the last of the year. She dramatically wailed and cried.

"What? Why are you sad??" I asked, clearly confused.

"Now it will NEVER be my birthday!" she sobbed.

"What? Yes, your birthday is still just 22 days away." I said, still confused.

"No! You said it's the LAST DAY!"

"OF THE YEAR YOU GOOSE, NOT ALL TIME!" And then I proceeded to laugh, while Eliza wiped her tears.

"Huh?" She asked.

And then I went on to explain that it was the last of the calendar year, and it will be 2019, and it will be January so her birthday will be even closer. Though I really had to laugh that her response to thinking it was the last day, ever, for all time, was that she would miss her 5th birthday.


And a few days earlier...

Eliza - "Mom, I think I have it all figured out. Grandma and Grandpa are daddy's mom and dad. And Nan and Pop are your mom and dad."

"Yep. That's right."

E - "But then who is Nan and Pop's mom and dad? JESUS??"

Magical nights

Not a great picture but it's all I've got to show you how much fun we had last night. This will be quick because I'm sitting in a "student-no-show" for VIPKID, but the student can show up at any time. So I will be brief, but I wanted to write something because otherwise this night will be soon forgotten. We loaded up the kids and a few friends in the back of Aaron's truck, as I sat in the cab with the babies and Aaron drove. The kids sang Christmas carols at the top of their lungs, and Nora sang along through the little window. Matthew danced in his car seat. We drove around and looked at lights in our neighborhood. Then we loaded up into the big van and got hot chocolate and went to Candy Cane Lane. There was a tour bus of retired people and the sidewalks were littered with little white haired old ladies. We had our windows down while we blasted the Christmas songs. And then I had the devious idea of putting on Grandma Got Run Over by A Reindeer. Which had Aaron in stitches. It was pretty funny. Then at the house with the candy canes the news was there filming. I had been cooking and baking all day and have been fighting a cold, so I was in really grubby clothes. Stained sweat pants, a pun t-shirt, and no shoes. I ran out to grab the candy canes because if we let all the kids out it would have been chaos. I am not sure how much the news filmed or what they will use but there is footage of me somewhere out there looking like a wreck, taking candy canes off a fence.

My 7 year old Nathan.

Link cake.
Fortnite shirt.
Playing Super Smash Bros on the Switch with his favorite people.

I think he had a pretty perfect birthday weekend.

And I wish I could keep him like this forever. Nathan is smart, kind, and just seriously a great kid. Doesn't hurt that he thinks the world of me too. I feel like we're on the cusp of change in our family and it terrifies me a little bit. So instead of being scared I'll just try to savor the moments and remember how quickly it all changes.

I was asking the kids if they liked my ideas for Christmas presents for Daddy. Nathan piped in, "Mom - whatever YOU get Daddy, he will love it.  If you tell him to. He will do anything you want! Especially at Christmas." Made my heart melt a little and just so glad that is his example of fatherhood and marriage. Hopefully though Aaron won't have to be told to like his Christmas presents.

Also, just an illustration of how much he loves me that I never want to forget.... There is an album called Broken Bride by Ludo. The whole thing is one continuous story about a man trying to go back in time to save his wife from dying in a car accident. It's sad, tragic and beautiful. To fully appreciate this story you need to just listen to it (at least the first and last song) My kids love it and we have the CD going almost every time we're in the car. One morning Nathan had a question about it. "How does the guy get back to his mom?" I start to explain and then pause, "...wait, Nathan, do you think this song is about his mom?"  Nathan, confidently, "Of course!"  *cue tears*

Finding joy in the little moments

I often feel like my life is complete chaos. And let's be real, most of the time it is. (I actually started this post two days ago, got interrupted and I'm just getting back to it now, at 8:30 on a Thursday.) Lately though, I've been able to find a lot of joy in the little things. Slowing down and taking a step back and just watching this incredible life unfold in front of me. Last night we had homemade pizza for dinner. The kids loved rolling out their dough and adding their own toppings. Everyone was fighting over the rolling pin, and notice who has it in the picture. Ms. Nora, Queen of Everything. 

Also, after dropping the kids off at school, on the way home we found this random pile of snow in someone's front yard. I couldn't NOT pull over and let my little girls get out and play for a bit. I hoped if anyone came out and was angry about it, their happiness and cuteness would win them over. But no one ever came out, and the girls had a great time.

I'm always thinking of the next thing I need to do. Or that I should be doing. Every once in a while it feels good to just let go of all of that, and just be with my kids. We've had a lot of fighting and yelling around here lately and I am certain a big part of it is from me, when I get mad about things not getting done and I yell, and it all trickles down. But we're a work in progress and I think we'll figure it out eventually. 

Foster Parenting Update

So we had court two weeks ago, and they severed the parents rights. But now they need to hold a placement hearing (or trial, I can't keep all the legal words straight) in January. This will finally determine if Matthew will stay with us or go to his great-aunt in Texas. I feel like there is no way the judge will want to move him to TX at this point. He has been with us his whole life and he will be 16 months at the trial. However, keeping children with their parents is the goal, and this aunt is willing to take the bio mom and Matthew. This possibility absolutely terrifies me.

I will be asked to testify at this hearing. Just thinking about it makes my heart race like crazy. I stay up at night rehearsing what I think I'm going to say, wondering what will be asked, wishing this process was different. And yes - JANUARY is when we go back. It's not that far off, but it feels like forever when I'm obsessing like this.

If it does go our way and we are chosen as placement for Matthew then we start the adoption process. Which from what I hear typically takes 6 months. So maybe by like July we will have all of this behind us and he will officially be ours. I try not to let myself get too carried away thinking this far ahead, but I've already planned the party and know what I'm going to wear.

As far as how Matthew is doing - he is wonderful. Still just a happy, easy going, teenie tiny little guy. He finally started saying some words, sort of. He has "uh-oh" down. And he started saying "iiiii" for hi and bye. And he makes a lot of sounds, sometimes some of them sound like words, but he's definitely a little behind where he should be. He's been so interested in the Christmas decorations and I'm so excited for this holiday season to see both him and Nora flipping out about the lights and decorations is just so much fun.

Our Thanksgiving was great. My parents were able to fly out and we had a nice, pretty quiet Thanksgiving. It was so good to see my parents, but their flight was cancelled and they ended up having to lose 3 days of their vacation.

Well I have more to write but nap time's ended. Nora and Matthew are both crying.

I put in the winter lawn by myself on Saturday. When we were ready to throw out the grass seed, Eliza asked, "What is that?" Pointing to the giant bag of seeds. I jokingly responded, "Bird food." Because anyone whose planted a winter law in Arizona knows the biggest challenge is keeping the darn birds off of it. So as we were spreading the seeds, Nora cups her hands over mouth and starts yelling, "Birdies! Dinners ready! Dinner, Birdies! Dinner Ready!"

Pumpkin Patch Fun!

Blogger isn't letting me upload the pictures easily so this is it for now. But we had a great time at Vertuccio's Farm today. The kids loved the giant slide, the mini zipline, and my favorite thing was watching them in these giant hamster wheels that went up and down a track. They all had so much fun, I'm so glad we stayed. We were going to go on Saturday, but it rained all day. Not usually a problem here in Arizona, so I was quite disappointed. But Aaron still had off from work so we decided to just stay an extra day and go today. I am so glad we did. My sisters in law came with their kids and all the cousins had a blast together. I'll have to try to figure out how to add the pictures from my google album because we did a manage picture with all 13 kids. 

The van did great on the drive and we survived having no DVD player. Though about 2 hours in I was looking up after market ones on Amazon. On the way home we were better prepared with Nintendo DS's and sleeping toddlers. 

Mesa was wonderful. We had a great time hanging out with cousins and relaxing. We were able to go on a double date with Douger and Allison one night and had a lot of fun. Allison and I also went garage sale shopping in the rain. I regret not buying more while I was in garage sale mecca. Seriously awesome deals and I was trying to have restraint. On 10 cent books! All I could think of was how many books are currently lying around the floor of the kids rooms and playroom -- but they were all fighting over the few books I did buy and having to take turns reading them.

Is this guy not just THE cutest? 

I mean C'MON!

Loves of my life

Eliza acting too cool for the train ride.

My Favorite Month!

It's been October for 11 whole days and I have yet to fully appreciate it's beauty. The last few days have been hectic. Babysitting for friends, kids awards assemblies, and buying a new giant van. Yes, the Mormon Limo. A 15 passenger shaggin' wagon. The last row has been removed so it's only a 12 passenger, as is, but with lots of cargo space. With 6 kids we didn't all fit in our normal mini van anymore, and we've been taking two cars everywhere we all need to go for the last 14 months. Decided it was finally time to just do it. I am LOVING it. We are taking it up to Mesa this weekend. We are going to visit some family and do some pumpkin patch stuff.

Aaron and "The Beast"

Nathan with his straight A's and advanced placement (He goes to 2nd grade each morning for read)

Abigail with her Advanced Placement and Straight A's.

Not pictured is Olivia with her same awards. Aaron was actually home for that so he took her, and I didn't ask him to send me the pictures yet.

Got Eliza this cereal and it was the best $6 I've spent in a long time. Just look at that face.

I also got a new laptop. Abigail asked if we won the lottery or something because all of a sudden we got a new computer and a new van on the same day! I actually ordered the computer a week ago, and the van we've been looking for a while now, this was just too good of a deal to pass up. But funny how it worked out that way. 

I've been on yet another self improvement kick. Finally rejoined the gym and have been going consistently for about 4 weeks. I'm reading some good books (Starting Monday and The Obesity Diet and A Slob Comes Clean). Trying, always trying to create good habits. Also participating in a 10 day social media fast. I'm not counting blogging as social media since there are so few actual interactions on here, and it's really just my (public) journal. I've been carving out time to meditate and really study my scriptures. Still waking up at 4:30am to teach English to kids in China. Still loving it. And tonight I start a pottery class! There are no words for the excitement. It's a lifelong dream to stick my hands in wet clay and spin it around on a pottery wheel and make a bowl or something. I have no idea when or why this dream started, but I'm so excited for it come true tonight. And it feels great to be doing something just for fun. I've said going to the gym is the thing I'm doing for me. And I am. And it's good. But it's not really fun. This is going to be so much fun. My friend is coming with me, her daughter is going to babysit and put my kids to bed. I can't think of anything better. Oh and she's bringing dinner. So when I go clean my kitchen right now, it can stay that way at least until breakfast tomorrow!

Nora just learned the phrase "how about...". And she uses it liberally and loudly.

Give her a cup of juice, "How about that one?" she asks pointing to the pink cup.

Later that day while she tried to open the freezer "HOW ABOUT ICE POP?!"

Eliza dared me to go into the woods to find a cute baby bunny. When I asked why she said so I can kill it and she can eat it. My kids think violence is so hilarious. But the randomness of this one did make me laugh a little.

It's almost fall and that makes me so happy. Even though it's still ridiculously hot. Today it's only 99 degrees though! ... with 75% humidity. So much for our dry heat. But I've still been baking, and got a Pumpkin spice drink from Starbucks, and I'm really looking forward to feeling that chill in the air in the early mornings. Soon! 

I rejoined the gym a couple of weeks ago. It's done wonders for my sanity. I am not even focusing one iota on my weight, but going to the gym for almost 2 hours 4 times a week because it is a break from my life. I can listen to podcasts and audiobooks, or even just watch tv and walk on a treadmill. It's really heavenly. Because as cute as these two are, mama needs some time. So it's been really good.

I need to take more pictures! This was all I had and it was from weeks ago.

cute moments I want to capture in time

On Thursday we had a family movie night. As we were getting the movie set up, and I was popping the popcorn, and the kids were trying to make it as dark as possible to achieve maximum movie theater at home experience, Nathan ran upstairs. I happened to look over as he was coming back downstairs, in one of Aaron's t-shirts and his favorite blanket in hand. Why did this strike me as so freaking cute? I don't know, but I looked at Aaron and realized he had caught this glimpse of Nathan in this moment also, and we looked at each other and Aaron was like, "That is really cute." And I was like I KNOW RIGHT?! Something just so sweet and innocent about it. For whatever reason it was a moment. 

Then today the cuteness came in the form of Nora being so sweet with Matthew. All day she was wanting to make sure he was included in whatever she was doing. I was going to give her a bath and she insisted he take a bath too. I washed her hair and then she pointed and said, "Matthew's turn?" When I gave her a banana she broke it in half and handed half to him. So I was extra grateful I got them matching PJ's at Sam's club last night. They had boy/girl dino jammies and it was just so cute. Even cuter was Nora's reaction when I put them on. She was so happy and kept showing him their matching feet. 

Olivia is writing a book. I love seeing her love things like writing and baking. She is growing up and it keeps hitting me in weird ways. I am so grateful she is who she is. Today I had something to be at for an hour or so and I knew I could leave her to babysit and all would be well. 

And I posted this on facebook but figured it's blog worthy as well. Eliza was wearing the same pants since Wednesday (It's Saturday). They were filthy. I told her to go change them and she protested. "But mom, look..." she gestured to the many stains covering the front and back, "these are science pants now!" I was laughing too hard to even ask her to explain. She is a hoot. 

Abigail spent a good portion of today pretending to be a cleaning robot and doing anything I asked her. 

Have to write about these cute moments, because overall today was honestly rough. Lots of fighting, grumbling, so much crying, and two toddlers are the messiest things on earth, and we were so glad when daddy came home... but those cute moments are a pretty good payoff.

We went to my cousin's wedding last weekend. It was a great time. The wedding was beautiful and Aaron and I got to run away all by ourselves. HEAVEN! So grateful for wonderful family who happily and willingly take on my brood of 6 kids. It was a lot of traveling for a short weekend, but I would do it again a million times. 

First of all - once you are used to traveling with kids, traveling alone is as good as life gets. There is nothing more relaxing to me than being a passenger on an airplane or in the car. So even though we had to travel 3 hours in the car, 4 hours on the plane, 5 hours in the car... then all over again 3 days later - it was honestly wonderful. 

We also got to go back to Erie and drive by our old apartment. I love that place and miss that time in our lives so much. Being back where it's so green and lush just makes me feel like fish put back in the water. We did some quick shopping and got lunch at Wegmans. I really love PA. 

The reception was so much fun. We danced and danced and laughed and talked and ate delicious food. 

Though on the way there I was so hungry. As soon as we landed I looked up restaurants on yelp and set my heart on this piorogi place. I was dying to try it as it had 5 stars and hundreds of reviews. It was a bit of a drive, and I poured over reviews the entire time. I knew exactly what I was going to get. We pull up... and it closed 15 minutes before we got there. AHhhhhh..... I cried. A lot. There was a pizza place next door and we were so hungry we just grabbed some pizza and it was awful. So gross. So I cried more. I don't know why I was so emotional - well yes I do. But man I wanted a freaking perogi so bad. But honestly - as fun as the wedding was, I was looking forward to it, but was also dreading it. I knew I would feel the heaviness of missing Jesse. As happy as it is, it's also so sad that Jesse isn't there. He would certainly have been Tommy's "best man" and having everyone together just feels so hard without him there. I hadn't really let myself feel any of this though - so it all came out when I was denied my delicious dinner.

But once we were there it was okay. There were tears shed, but mostly it was a happy day and though we miss Jesse so much we definitely knew he was there. I could almost see him standing next to Tommy with all the other groomsmen. Which was happy and sad. Wish he could really be there. I wish he had the chance to get married. I wish my moms heart wasn't so broken. But I'm grateful that we know this life isn't the end. 

Then after we got home from the wedding we had court for our sweet foster baby. It was an initial severance hearing. Which apparently all they do is set a date for the trial. So now we wait and pray and see what happens in November.

The one where Nathan Starts Hockey

I am seriously so excited for Nathan to be playing hockey. It was my brother's thing, and while it's definitely bitter sweet, I choose to focus on the sweet. I'd love to say Nathan put on his skates and hit the ground gliding like pro, but the truth is, he is pretty terrible. Definitely not a natural. But it was his first time on skates and he didn't fall down that much! So I was impressed. He just does this hilarious tiny baby steps way of skating. It's hard to describe, and hilarious to watch. I'm sure he'll continue to improve. And he's already made good friends, and I'm already envisioning signing him up for travel and becoming a real hockey mom. Though I think that will be further down the road. 

Also anyone in Yuma -- hockey is THE best sport option. Equipment rental is free and it's only $50 for the whole season. You really can't beat that! I kind of regret not signing my girls up as well. So far it seems like Nathan loves to play as much as I love to watch, but we'll see how long it lasts. Skate clinic was indoors, and when the season starts we'll be outside. Hopefully cool weather is just around the corner, but in the middle of August this heat feels never ending. 

The One When We Go To Court

So we went to court last week. Aaron had to work so my good friend Nancy came with me for moral support. I am so glad she came because I came out of court really blindsided. They are moving to severance but plan on moving baby to TX. Today is his first birthday! I have had him since he was released from the hospital after being born. He has never met this aunt, not even via video chat or visits, despite my willingness to try either of these things, even meeting halfway or something. But none of that seemed to matter and I was told flat out that I'm not even a consideration. To say I was hurt would be an understatement. I don't even know the correct words for the emotions I was feeling.

So if you are into getting your heartbroken, feeling like a bystander when it comes to the child you are loving with all your heart, then foster care is a great choice for you. If you enjoy not knowing what's going on with a child in your care 24/7, I highly recommend this choice.

On the other hand, I feel like I'm really good at this. And that makes me feel good. I try really hard to have a relationship with baby's bio parents and our licensing worker (the only person it feels like is on my side, or really baby's side) says that will look good in court and to include it in my letter to the judge. I am able to love these babies with all I've got, knowing that at any moment they can leave. The only times I really question what the heck I'm doing is when I wonder if it's hurting my own kids in anyway. They all seem fine and okay with everything, and I tell myself that they are learning compassion and empathy and selfless love, but that's hard when I think of Nora. I mean she's had 3 foster siblings in the 2 years she's been alive. Does she sense she might be one to leave? Is that why she doesn't sleep anymore or is the most clingy of my 5.

Anyway we go back for a severance hearing on the 6th of Sept. I am not sure what will happen from there. It will be interesting.

Pictures are worth 1,000 words. (Maybe i'll find time to add actual words..)