Friday, April 26, 2013

Rambling. My Therapy.

Writing is good therapy for me. I have been neglecting this blog too much. Life is just always crazy, isn't it? I got to be part of this awesome book review last night and the book, that should be published this year was called, "This Is How We Grow". I love that title. Anyway the main theme I got from the part I was able to read was surrendering to what's around us. Not giving up and not doing anything type of surrender, but just kind of accepting what life has brought your way.

The hard part of life for me right now is not being able to surrender. We are in a stage where we have to make decisions. Big, overwhelming, important decisions. That don't just affect Aaron and me, but our children and our extended families, and our friends. It is so hard. We want so badly to do the right thing. But is there a right thing? I mean it's all good. Pretty much any job Aaron gets is going to be a good job. But will it be the best job for us? For this time. For all time? Are we going to find ourselves moving again in 2 year? Because really I'm so over that. I'm ready to put down some roots. I want to decorate. I want to live somewhere long enough to feel like it's home. I want to have a baby, and have that baby take it's first steps in the house where it was born. (Fun fact, none of my kids did that. Olivia born when we lived at the condo, took her first steps at Huber House, Abigail born when we lived at Huber House, took her first steps in PA, Nathan born in PA, took his first steps in AZ!)

We've had this analogy going.. plant the seeds you are given. I think we've planted about 1,000 sounds. Some never grew at all. Some barely sprouted and quickly died. And now we have about three or four little shoots starting to grow and we'll see what blooms. It is hard work and makes my eye twitch.

About two months ago I proclaimed, "I CAN NOT WAIT UNTIL APRIL 27TH!" Aaron looked at me puzzled and asked why. "Because it will be our engagement anniversary and we will go out to eat to Cheesecake Factory, and surely by then we will know what the heck we're doing with our lives."

Welp... tomorrow is April 27th. I do not think we are going to have the details of the rest of our life hammered out today. But maybe... one of these shoots might bloom really quickly. That would be amazing. But the truth is, even if we don't it's okay. I am surrendering to the uncertainty. I know that eventually things will fall into place. Through all this I have learned patience. I have learned to be okay with not knowing. I have faith that we are watched over by a loving God, and He isn't going to let us down now. He is carrying us, and leading us to wherever He needs us. My hope and prayer is that we will be obedient enough to recognize it when He is trying to tell us what to do.

Friday, April 19, 2013

Wisdom Tooth Extraction

From the moment I found out what wisdom teeth were I was afraid I'd get them, and that I'd have to get them pulled out. I remember literally being 6 years old (give or take) and crying to my mom that someday I'd have wisdom teeth and someday I'd have to get them pulled out. My mom told me not to worry and it wouldn't be for a very, very long time. And again a few years later I started to worry about it again and I remember my dad telling me he has his wisdom teeth, and he never had to get them out. I think that's when I finally stopped worrying about. I comforted myself with the thought that maybe somehow by some genetic goodness I would never need to get my wisdom teeth out.

Then I got wisdom teeth and they started to hurt, and get occassionally get infected. I started to freak out again. Went to a dentist who said yes, they'd have to come out eventually but if we couldn't afford it (which we couldn't) it was okay to put it off, there was no rush in getting them out. Well anyway that was 8 years ago, and today was the day. I got one of my four wisdom teeth pulled out.

I wrote about the consulation last week, but I don't think I made clear the severity of this phobia. I haven't slept much for three days, just knowing today was it. And then today I was just a mess. But Aaron took me and held my hand and I did okay.

Until we walked into the surgery room and I saw the chair. And then needles. And the IV bag. And all the scary looking tools that they use to rip a tooth out of your head. And I just burst into tears and lept into Aaron's arms, and tried to run away. I remember saying, "I can't. I can't. I can't." But somehow I got myself into the chair, and some laughing gas, and said a prayer and looked at my husband, and I was okay. And then they gave me the IV, and a few minutes later I was out. I was annoyed that I asked if Aaron could stay until I was asleep, but they said nope he had to go, right then. But it was only a few minutes (seconds?) until I was out... and then I was up. Aaron said the total time he was gone was 12 minutes.

I have been afraid my entire life of 12 minutes.

Anyway I woke up wanting to go back to sleep, but not in any pain. I knew where I was. Aaron helped me to the car and we came home and I rested a bit. Watched some TV. And then I folded and put away some laundry. I still feel a little off, but nothing nearly as bad as I was anticipating. As usual, right? With fears like that, it's never really that bad. I remember my mom always trying to calm me down with things like this, but it's not like I could just shut it off. I don't want to be afraid. I KNOW there's nothing really to be afraid of. But the fear is there. And it's consuming. And it's not fun. But it's OVER!!

The other three all need to come out eventually, but we'll wait until we are making money. Aaron said he will even pay cash if we end up with insurance that AZ Max doesn't accept, because I'm comfortable there now.  

And now that I've done it, the fear is seriously gone. I am ... dare I say it? ... almost looking forward to getting the other three out. Whenever that time comes.

I'm so grateful for the wonderful friends and family who helped me. Who sent me positive stories and watched my kids. And I know my mom wishes she could be there, but just reading her texts and talking to her and knowing she was thinking of me was nice. And my mother in law bought me bubble bath and a yummy treat. It's nice to be babyed! Anyway so that is how I have healed my wisdom tooth extraction phobia. Soooo glad it is over!

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Some positive thoughts for the universe.

My last few posts have been kind of downers. So here are some things that are making me happy lately.

The other day I fell asleep around 9:00. I woke up at like 2:00AM in a brief panic that I left my phone downstairs, and I knew I needed to charge it, and I had to go somewhere in the morning and I really needed make sure my phone was charged. As I rolled over to get out of bed to get my phone, I opened my eyes and saw my phone plugged in right next to my bed. I knew right away that Aaron had brought it up and plugged it in for me. I smiled, and thanked God for my darling husband.

And then this morning as I was running late to get to a friend's to babysit, I was freaking out because I knew I needed to put gas in the van. When I got in the car, the tank was full. Aaron had snuck out at 6:30 in the morning while I was still sleeping to put gas in the van for me. Because he knows me and knew I'd probably be running late.

Is it silly that typing this right now is bringing tears to my eyes? I am just so glad that I'm married to someone who constantly puts my needs before his own, and always thinks of me and goes out of his way to do those things, which may seem little to some, but are huge in my eyes.

We are still job hunting. It is not an easy road, but we are constantly reminded of the Lord's hand in our life. We are trusting Him, and we just keep planting seeds and are anxiously waiting for something to grow. We've sent out tons of CV's, filled out lots of applications, but haven't heard much feedback. Yet. I'm sure something is going to stick eventually. And hey who knows who reads this... if you know of a pharmacy job for a new grad with a PharmD email me!!  

And tomorrow is the big day for getting my wisdom tooth out. Pray it goes well! I'm scared out of my wits about it.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

My Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day... make that week.

Want to hear about my terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day? Of course you do! Because it will probably make you laugh and hopefully make you feel a little better about your day.

Actually it started a few nights ago. I couldn't sleep. I woke up at 3:00AM... and never fell back to sleep. So the next night thought for sure I'd be out like a light. Nope, finally fell asleep around 2:00AM. And then started my day as usual around 6:00AM. Then last night... of course so tired I'd surely fall right to sleep. NOPE. Went to bed around 9:00PM, and didn't fall asleep until about midnight. Only to be woken up by throbbing pain in my jaw two hours later. So from 2:00AM - 5:00AM I rolled around and writhed in agony, until apparently falling asleep, because suddenly it was 7:30 and Aaron was handing me a crying Nathan because he had to leave for work.

Then the day seemed to be just fine. Just a lazy morning. Of course I was extremely tired and that throbbing jaw pain wasn't getting any better. Got Olivia off to school, and some friends came over to play. Then when they left I decided to call the dentist. Literally just the thought of calling the dentist sends me running to the bathroom (the mind-gut relationship is a real thing). But I had to. And his office was closed, but there was a number for dental emergencies. Well my wisdom tooth broke. And the jagged part of the tooth was cutting into my cheek, causing swelling and bleeding. It felt like an emergency to me. So I called. And Dr. Lloyd answers and I go on and on about I'm sorry I'm not sure this is an emergency, and do you remember my wisdom teeth from 4 years ago the last time you looked at them? And now one of them broke, like in half... is that something you can fix? And he quietly replies, "Well, I'm not sure... see my mom just died, like she just died, I'm actually with her right now..." OH MY GOSH! I felt horrible for the 10 minutes of babbling I had just done during this sacred moment. I apologized over and over and he said it was okay, and he recommended an oral surgeon for me to go. I called the oral surgeon and if I didn't want to throw up at the thought of someone ripping a tooth out of my head before hearing the prices, I sure did after. The ladies were very nice and told me I could call some kind of Care Credit or something. I called them, and got denied, since we have no income. I cried, and cried and cried. Like all the thoughts of what the heck is going on, we didn't get a residency, we still haven't found a job, we have three kids and are living with family, my teeth are falling out of my head, and we have no money to fix it and I just sobbed. And sobbed. Finally Aaron called. He told me it's okay. We do have a credit card that we can put it on. So I called the oral surgeon's office back and scheduled my consultation. I was shaking and crying the entire way there, but somehow their staff immediately put me at ease. I sat down in the chairs and watched HGTV and felt grateful for the break! I wasn't crying or shaking and I felt calm for the first time ever in a dentist's office. Anyway I'm making a long story longer. Basically a week from tomorrow they will extract the infected tooth. All of them need to come out eventually, but this one is really, really bad and needs to come out as soon as possible. Since it's over $300 a tooth he said waiting until my husband has a job is probably a good idea. He also gave me some scripts for pain meds and antibiotic since the infection has already traveled to my bone and lymph nodes. Yay.

Then I came home to a fevered, puking Abigail. She had been fine all day, and my mother-in-law said out of no where she spiked a high fever, and then shortly after that she started puking. Yay.

Then later when the day was almost over, as I was cleaning some puke, Nathan was pouring a bag of Diatomacious Earth onto my floor and eating handfuls of it. Fortunately, after calling Poison Control I found out that despite what it says on the package it is Non-Toxic and won't harm him. At least not in the quantities he ate. Yay.

Oh and TMI alert, but I also started my period on Monday and it's so heavy, and my cramps were SO bad I seriously considered going to the hospital for fear of it being an ectopic pregnancy or something weird. It wasn't... who knows what it was, but yeah. Dealing with THAT issue on top of everything else.

So this was my pity party. I hope you enjoyed it. Now for the light. A few days ago I was feeling so overwhelmed with this new rotation schedule, and all the decisions to be made, I asked Aaron if they ever put people into medically induced comas because they just can't handle life. I thought a nice coma sounded pretty peaceful and wonderful about now. Aaron told me that wasn't an option. They can't just put you in a coma because you don't want to be awake. And you could die from being put into a coma, and blah blah blah.... But then when I talked to the oral surgeon about the anesthesia used for the tooth extraction it sounded EXACTLY like what I was wanting. A needle in my arm, lay down fall asleep, and wake up a few hours later. Maybe it will be a nice little break. He also said I would need to just take it easy for the three days after. In my mind I saw a little sign that looked like this, "TAKE IT EASY = LAY IN BED AND PLAY CANDY CRUSH ALL DAY. FOR THREE DAYS." I think I can handle that.

He also gave me some wax stuff to put on my sharp tooth so it would stop cutting my cheek. Already feels so much better.

And so here's the weekend and much better days ahead. (Thursday is our Friday!)

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

The post you've been waiting for...

"Mom you are like incessed with this game." - Olivia, commenting on my obsession with candy crush.

"I am so cold I could eat a pig!" - Olivia, after she spilled a cup of water on herself. Then upon realizing this made no sense quickly added, "A really hot pig."

"I am the fairy of unicorns. I am where every unicorn begins." - Abigail. Not quite so funny as it was incredibly cute, and well in case you were wondering where unicorns begin, now you know.

"O-dee!" (Nathanese for "Oh dear!") - Said while clutching the back of his diaper and running from the room.

Lately these children have been bringing such joy to my soul. Olivia's prayers at night have been so sweet, and she keeps saying things like, "Thank you for giving me such a wonderful mother." And "Thank you that Mommy did all the laundry, so that I have clean underwear in my underwear drawer again."

Oh and then tonight she said she had to say sorry for something, but she didn't want me to know what it was, so she asked if she could just pray in her heart. I told her of course, but I am really curious, and slightly afraid of what it was she felt the need to repent of.

Aaron's latest rotation has him gone from 7:00am - 8:00 pm. I was dreading it in the worst way. But two days in and it hasn't been nearly as bad as I had imagined.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

As it happens

Right now Olivia is trying to nurse a fly back to health. She found a half dead fly in the window sill and she picked up and is carrying it around. I think I said it in my last post, but kids are gross. She made it a little home out of a cup and grass. I remember doing things like this as a kid, so I'll make her wash her hands when she's done but for now I'll let her play with Fly-ee. She's trying to feed him fish food.

Abigail is following her around asking lots of questions.

And Nathan is eating happily in high chair. It has been a nice morning, and I know if I didn't write about it come tomorrow I'd never remember ol' Fly-ee.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Some thoughts, of a personal nature.

Tonight my husband gave me a priesthood blessing. To half (I'm assuming) the people reading this blog they know exactly what that is, and it doesn't sound weird at all. To the other half, the non-mormon half, it probably sounds strange. So I'll explain briefly. I believe my husband holds the priesthood, and has the authority to act for God. I believe he can lay his hands on my head and be a conduit for the Spirit of God to tell me words of comfort, direction, healing.
    Tonight I received such a blessing. I won't share all of what was said with the world here in my little corner of cyber space, as a lot of it was personal and spiritual, but one thing that stood out, that I feel prompted to share is about my children. Of course. But God told me to have the same charity I have for so many people around me, for my children. To show them the same service and charity that I am so quick to give to others. It wasn't a rebuke, but a gentle reminder. And I was blessed that as I do this, my children will grow and learn to serve and have charity for one another.
        Tonight as I changed the sheets on my kids beds, and made up their little beds my heart was so full of love for them. I really don't ever make their beds. And if we're being honest here, I only change the sheets when I absolutely have to because they were peed on, puked on, or as was the case tonight, buggered on. As in, someone had been blowing their nose on their blanket and sheets! Kids are so gross. Anyway, I washed their sheets and made their beds and felt that charity.
         There are times when I'm bending over the bath tub trying to wash their hair with a kink in my back, listening to them cry that they got water in their eyes, and I'm feeling far from charitable. I can't get them into their beds fast enough, so I can collapse on my own bed and look at my phone.
            This second scenario is much more common in my home than the first. I'm making lunch, listening to demands and whines about wanting something else, or not enough of this, too much of that, and charity is very far from my heart. There is a lot of "You get what you get and you don't throw a fit." being said in not such nice tones, and just wanting them to sit and eat and BE QUIET so I can sit and eat my lunch with some semblance of peace.
          They want me to read them a book, play Barbies, go with them outside, go with them upstairs... I need more charity in all of these moments. I need more charity in serving my children.
         I hope it doesn't sound like I'm beating myself about this. I'm not. I know I'm a good mom, and I do love my kids and if I didn't have charity they'd probably be... well I don't even want to say! But it wouldn't be good. But I can  be better. I can be sooooo much better.

        It's late. I need someone to send me more levels on Candy Crush. I just keep rambling. I should sleep.

My brain is mush

I can't seem to remember anything anymore. I need to be better at writing things down as soon as they happen. My kids make me laugh daily. And now I can't think of what was so funny.

Abigail did tell me the other day, "Mama, my pee is coming out so slowly a butterfly could land on it."

WHAT! I couldn't stop laughing. She does know that to catch a butterfly you have to be very still, and it might land on you. I guess her pee was just that slow. Strange child.

Nathan was crying the other day and Olivia sang him a song about growing up, and how hard it is. The lyrics were quite hilarious, but I can't remember a single one now.

My family must want me to neglect my children because they all sent me requests to play some silly facebook game. And now I'm obsessed and told my children that this candy isn't going to crush itself and to go play outside so I could finish my game. I may or may not have also let them have a bag of chocolate chips to buy myself 10 more minutes...

There is laundry to be done, laundry to be folded, laundry to be put away... dishes to be washed, and dishes to be put away... dinner to be cooked, beds to be made, toys to put away, trash to be emptied... but there's also candy. To be crushed. Just 10 more minutes...

*someone have an intervention. I've only been playing this game for 24 hours and I need help.