The best way to spend Sacrament Meeting

Today this little cutie needed a nap during church. Lucky for me there aren't too many other nursing moms so I usually have the whole Mother's Lounge to myself. Comfy chair. Sleeping baby. No other kids. Able to hear the talks via some little black boom box. Heavenly. So of course I'm sitting there listening and think, "Hm, I should take a selfie." Don't judge. These moments are so fleeting I just wanted to capture it.

So do you want to know the secrets of my heart? I really don't have many secrets, I'm kind of over-sharer. But here's something you may not know. I feel like in my heart of hearts there is another little baby who just can't wait to be part of this family. Like, I keep telling myself, "NO! It is way too soon, you are nuts if you get pregnant right now." But then myself says things like, "It's not like it's going to get any easier." And then I had this thought that I don't think was really myself, but just that on ultrasound it looked like Eliza had a twin at one point. And from the moment I knew I was pregnant I had this feeling that it was twins. Specifically boy/girl twins. And I keep feeling like this little boy, who didn't get to be Eliza's twin can't wait to be with her again. And then I think that sounds crazy, unless you're Mormon and are super into Saturday's Warrior. Then you're like, "HAVE A BABY! WHY DIDN'T YOU KEEP YOUR PROMISE JIMMY!?"

So I keep praying and thinking about it. I guess if he's going to be the fifth baby in 7 years he better get used to having to wait and learn to be patient with me.

So yeah that's my secret. I have four kids and I want one more. And I still worry a lot about what people think about me. And I know a lot of people think that having that many kids is irresponsible. Or selfish. Or just plain crazy. And sometimes I think that is the biggest thing holding me back. Plus other stupid things. Like I have literally had the thought, "Well the Bravermans had four kids, and those siblings are like the closest siblings I've ever seen, and I want my kids to have that kind of relationship so I should have four kids." YES, the BRAVERMANS. As in, the family from Parenthood. As in a fictional, made up, not real family. So what's crazier? Basing my decision on cheesy mormon movies or NBC soap operas?

And I do worry that my kids don't get enough attention from me. That I'm too worn out from having so many kids that I can't be the best mother I could be if I had less kids. One thing I do not worry about is not having enough money for them. Not because we are so super rich, but because I think people are far more important than things. I don't know anyone who would have rather had more toys than a sibling. Ya know. But maybe I don't think long term. I know once they get older things get a lot more expensive. And then there's college, and weddings and missions.

So is this too personal to share with the world? Sorry. Just thinking outloud. And I'll probably regret it as soon as I hit post.

So let's change the topic...
Unrelated, - Nathan is two and a half now, and poop is the funniest thing in the world to him. Every joke involves poop. I guess we entered this stage that will last the rest of his life.