Easter Sunday Thoughts

My kids are loud.

My back hurts.

Aaron is working a lot this week.

And all I want is a moment of peace to reflect on the meaning of easter and my relationship with Jesus Christ.

So I'm locked in my room while the littlest two are napping, and the other 4 are playing a game (very loudly of course).

My testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ waxes and wanes like the moon. Some moments I swear I know He lived, and He lives as sure I know anything else. These are my full moon moments. I am just full of spine tingling reassurance that this is REAL. He is real. The Atonement happened for me. I can use the Atonement in my life to help me deal with everything from grief to keeping my patience when my kids are being their loud selves. Sometimes I remember that, and know that. Other times, my testimony is like that little sliver of a moon hanging in the sky. I try teach my kids about the importance of Jesus Christ but my words feel hollow. I try to pray but my mind wanders. How could someone who lived over 2,000 years ago really know me? How does it even work? And as these thoughts spiral to darkness about everything in life, I cling to that little sliver of my testimony. I remind myself of times where I knew. And I wait because I know as long as I keep doing the right things my testimony will grow again. Sometimes I feel guilty that this is how I am. That I am always questioning everything. The one part of my testimony that never goes away, that is always there is my knowledge that Heavenly Father loves me. In fact sometimes I even think he loves me the most. It is easy for me to never question this because I have evidence of it everywhere I look.
       This moon analogy has been playing around in my brain for years. But this is the first time I'm putting words on paper (so to speak) about it. And as I write I realize something deeper. The moon never changes in its size. A full moon only appears so because of our position when we're looking at it. Perhaps the times my testimony feels like sliver is because of my position of where I'm looking at it. A position of annoyance and anger at my children, or a slothful scripture study habit, or not doing all the other things I know are important to the Heavenly Father of whose love I am so certain.
        This weekend is also general conference. It is so hard to listen between the shushing of children and trying so hard to listen and feel but oh my heck can't they just be quiet for ONE talk?! Aaron is working all weekend so I'm watching alone. Some of the thoughts I had while watching this morning was that I want to be like President Eyering's wife. He shared how she was always acting on the promptings she received to serve others. And that skill was developed in her along with charity, the pure love of Christ. As one attribute grows, so does the other. I am okay in this area, but there is a lot of room for improvement.
           I am going to try to remember my position as I ponder my testimony. I desire to be a pillar of spiritual strength for my children. I want my life to be lived as a testimony that Christ lived. I want to feel his grace for my children. I want them to know He loves them, because of the way I love them. I want them to know as certain as I do that Heavenly Father loves them so much.
       I also want my kids to be quiet for like an hour. Maybe two. And for my back to stop hurting. But one thing at a time.