But then it's all worth it.

Bottom of the 4th (only 4 innings in 8u softball) and Lady Leopards are trailing 0 to 2. Bases are loaded. Abigail, whose batting average is currently 0 is up to bat. She watches 3 balls pass her, with cheers of "Good eye!" rallying her on. But then she misses two coach pitches. She steps out of the batter box and takes a few deep breaths. Steps back in and taps home plate with her bat. The coach lobs her a nice easy one and Abigail knocks it out of the park! Okay more like a grounder to the outfield but it rolled really far and it was a home run! Grand slam! 

And that makes it all worth it. She will remember that moment the rest of her life. I ended up bawling my eyes out as the crowd all cheered like crazy. It was awesome.

I am a homebody. My favorite place in the world is my bed. When plans are canceled and I can just stay home my entire body sighs with relief. This is my happiest place. So I really limit things we do. But softball is a mandatory childhood experience, according to my husband. So this time of year is just the worst. Okay maybe not the worst, but good golly I spend a lot of time at the ball field. Which is fine, it's fine. Actually the games can be pretty fun and I love cheering for my kids and it turns out Nathan is actually pretty good, so that makes it even more fun. Lugging 6 kids to a ball game that doesn't start until past bedtime, to watch your kid sit on the bench is kind of infuriating, but I digress. And the girls aren't bad, they're just older and haven't been playing as long as some of the other girls on their teams so they kind of get thrown in center field or stuck on the bench. We're also getting to the end of the school year which means different ceremonies coming up. Preschool graduation, kindergarten graduation, piano recitals, and Olivia was selected to read a poem she wrote a school art show.  All good things, but so busy. So today while Aaron has a day off, and took the little girls out to lunch and the baby is sleeping, I'm sitting here writing and relaxing.

They filmed a food truck show for food network in Yuma this weekend. We happened to be in Sams Club while the contestants were zooming around the checkout line followed by a camera man. Abigail wanted to be on TV so we chased after them, but I do not think this will be her big break. However the guys were super friendly and took a picture with her.

 Eliza is the biggest worry wart. All of my kids went through this phase around this age, so I should be used to it, but it is exhausting. In this picture Eliza is stressing about some red lights she can glowing in the sky (airplanes) and if Daddy and Nathan are OK, and what if I can't find the way home. This is a big one for her. She constantly worries in the car that we are going to get lost, or transport to another world. I don't even know where she comes up with that one. We have never gotten lost and certainly haven't transported to any other worlds.

Her relationship with Nora is my favorite though. They are so cute together and I'm really grateful for most of my time with them. Dressing them up matchy-matchy also adds to my fun. Called Nora a copycat the other day because she was mimicking Eliza, and she replied with "Meow Meow!" So she's understanding a lot more lately and adding new words to her vocabulary every day. "Go! Car! Shoes!" have probably replaced "mama" as the most commonly used words. She loves to be out and on the go. Which kind of sucks for her, if you read my first paragraph. Good thing she has a daddy who loves her and will literally load her up in the car for a drive around the block, just because she asked. (over and over and over but still)

So my first class of the day canceled, so I have 30 minutes to myself this morning. I could be productive and go make kids lunches or clean something, but I've been trying to write here more often and this seemed like the perfect time. 

We go back to court for Matthew soon. His dad is doing really well. It makes you feel like a crummy person to find yourself wishing he would mess up. We just love this little guy so much and he feels so much like part of our family, it will be hard for everyone when he's not with us anymore. Eliza got him out of his pack n play and carried him to her bed, where her and Nora proceeded to cover him in kisses, making him giggle his little head off. It was adorable.  

Life with these kids is simultaneously overwhelmingly wonderful and at times just overwhelming. Moments when I'm carrying Nora on my hip, and Matthew in the infant carrier, or times when they both of their bowels decide today's the day to act like they're preparing for their first colonoscopy. (I think my maximum was 7 poopie diapers in one day.) These are times I wonder how the heck I'm doing this. Like what even is my life? But then moments like above just make it all worth it. "Picture the Thanksgiving table in 20 years" has become a bit of my mantra when times get hard. 

And now I have to give a whole little section to this hilarious face. This girl. My Eliza Jane. She is so funny. 99% of my daily laughter comes from her. I wish I could think of some examples off the top of my head, but about everything that comes out of her mouth is some level of ridiculous. She knows and loves it too. Like her mama, she absolutely loves making people laugh. She's as smart as they come, but my favorite thing about Eliza is her blunt honesty. She is a kid so she might try to do something sneaky here and there, but she always tells on herself. She's always quick to apologize and take full responsibility for it. It's not uncommon to hear her say, "I'm sorry I did that. It's my fault! I'll clean it up (or insert whatever action to make it right)." I am not sure where she gets this from, as none of my other kids seem to have this ability, but I sure hope she keeps it forever.

Aaron and I are taking the church's self reliance class together. I am pretty sure I wrote about when I took alone almost a year ago. I am so excited to be taking it with Aaron, even if it means a few late nights for the kids. It was really life changing the first time around, so I'm super excited to see where we end up 12 weeks from now.

Easter Sunday Thoughts

My kids are loud.

My back hurts.

Aaron is working a lot this week.

And all I want is a moment of peace to reflect on the meaning of easter and my relationship with Jesus Christ.

So I'm locked in my room while the littlest two are napping, and the other 4 are playing a game (very loudly of course).

My testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ waxes and wanes like the moon. Some moments I swear I know He lived, and He lives as sure I know anything else. These are my full moon moments. I am just full of spine tingling reassurance that this is REAL. He is real. The Atonement happened for me. I can use the Atonement in my life to help me deal with everything from grief to keeping my patience when my kids are being their loud selves. Sometimes I remember that, and know that. Other times, my testimony is like that little sliver of a moon hanging in the sky. I try teach my kids about the importance of Jesus Christ but my words feel hollow. I try to pray but my mind wanders. How could someone who lived over 2,000 years ago really know me? How does it even work? And as these thoughts spiral to darkness about everything in life, I cling to that little sliver of my testimony. I remind myself of times where I knew. And I wait because I know as long as I keep doing the right things my testimony will grow again. Sometimes I feel guilty that this is how I am. That I am always questioning everything. The one part of my testimony that never goes away, that is always there is my knowledge that Heavenly Father loves me. In fact sometimes I even think he loves me the most. It is easy for me to never question this because I have evidence of it everywhere I look.
       This moon analogy has been playing around in my brain for years. But this is the first time I'm putting words on paper (so to speak) about it. And as I write I realize something deeper. The moon never changes in its size. A full moon only appears so because of our position when we're looking at it. Perhaps the times my testimony feels like sliver is because of my position of where I'm looking at it. A position of annoyance and anger at my children, or a slothful scripture study habit, or not doing all the other things I know are important to the Heavenly Father of whose love I am so certain.
        This weekend is also general conference. It is so hard to listen between the shushing of children and trying so hard to listen and feel but oh my heck can't they just be quiet for ONE talk?! Aaron is working all weekend so I'm watching alone. Some of the thoughts I had while watching this morning was that I want to be like President Eyering's wife. He shared how she was always acting on the promptings she received to serve others. And that skill was developed in her along with charity, the pure love of Christ. As one attribute grows, so does the other. I am okay in this area, but there is a lot of room for improvement.
           I am going to try to remember my position as I ponder my testimony. I desire to be a pillar of spiritual strength for my children. I want my life to be lived as a testimony that Christ lived. I want to feel his grace for my children. I want them to know He loves them, because of the way I love them. I want them to know as certain as I do that Heavenly Father loves them so much.
       I also want my kids to be quiet for like an hour. Maybe two. And for my back to stop hurting. But one thing at a time.