Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Can I capture this moment, because I'm sure it's fleeting?

But I feel like I'm handling life.

I don't feel completely overwhelmed by the smallest things.

I'm like somewhat on top of the housework. Let's not mention the huuuge pile of clothes that need to be folded and put away, because c'mon that's going to always exist right? I mean until we move to a nudist colony there is going to be laundry to be put away at all times. But for the most part I can have the house "company ready" in about 10 minutes. So I'm calling that a win.

Kids are in a good bed time and nap routine. That always makes life more enjoyable.

I think most importantly though, I am studying my scriptures, with a real intent to get something out of it.  I'm praying, and leaning, and relying on His strength so much.

We're also having family scripture study, almost every day. And I think that's been the key. Because I'm probably not quite as on top of things as I think I am. I mean as I write this Nathan is running around completely naked, and I don't even plan on putting clothes on him until I put him down for his nap. (He is however on track to be completely potty trained by his 2nd birthday, if not sooner. I don't remember the last poopy diaper I changed because he's gone on the potty every single time for at least the past week!) And, our lunches today consisted of tortilla chips with melted cheese... that's basically no different than a quesadilla, right? I threw in some grapes for good measure, but I have never used cookie cutters to make my child's lunches look like cartoon characters. Anyway I guess what my point is, doing the most important things like studying the scriptures and teaching my children the Gospel really do make a difference in how I feel about life.

I have felt paralyzed at times by everyone's immediate wants and needs. I have felt completely full of dread by the end of the day, realizing how soon the new day will begin and I'll do the same thing all over again. I have felt completely inadequate to care for all these people of mine. I have felt like they are out of control and I need Super Nanny. I have felt the drudgery of doing the laundry and dishes over and over and over again. I have felt myself snap and some insane crazy angry woman comes out of me and screams at my children, and suddenly I realize how people get to a point where they lose control and hurt their children. Not that I've ever been close to that point, but really if I didn't have the husband I have, and the friends and family and support I have, I can't say I would never get there. I hope that sentence doesn't freak anyone out. I have never been close to literally killing or harming my kids or anyone... just saying I can see how someone could get there. It used to seem to me, how on earth could anyone every do that, but I can kind of see how someone could get to that point. That's all I'm saying... so don't freak out. Mom.

But the good news is I haven't felt like that any of that in a while. Well maybe it's only been a week or two. But I am in a good place, and it feels good to feel good! Hopefully the momentum will continue and I can feel like this as long as possible because I know all those negative feelings come back. And with a new baby coming in a few months I am sure they will. But hopefully I can remember this time to just focus on those most important things and things will continue to fall into place.

1 comment:

  1. I just had a friend over this morning and we had the EXACT conversation on how we now understand how child abuse happens. Almost word for word on your post, one how we wouldn't hurt our kids but we can see exactly how you get to that point, especially without a good support system.

    I'm so happy you are in a good place right now. I was reading a book on embracing vulnerability and the author talked about how you get to enjoy the happy moments more when you accept the vulnerability. You don't miss out on joy because you aren't waiting for the bad stuff to start. Sound like you have figured it out.

    Now I think I have to go fold some laundry. It really doesn't ever end, does it?