Going gray

I guess I feel like I need to write this in order to avoid possible awkward conversations. But by writing this, there is a good chance I'm creating even more opportunities for awkward conversations. Whatever. These thoughts keep swirling around my head and until I put them to paper they won't stop.

My mom found my first gray hair before I was even in my teens. She found it hilarious and unbelievable that there was a gray hair on my head. But, she reminded me, Mary was born with her first gray hair. She plucked it out, and I didn't think much of it. Then by the time I was teenager there were several grays popping up here and there. I didn't think it was a sign of aging since I knew I was only 16. And they weren't very visible. Though around this time I did start highlighting my hair. If I wasn't having it professionally done, I was using sun-in and laying out in the backyard, like every other teenage girl of the 00's. There was also the time my mom and I got a new box at the drugstore and my hair turned bright orange. Sebastian's fixed me right up. The point is, back then dying my hair was for fun and it helped my lack of confidence I had in myself back then. Nothing a fresh cut and color to make a girl feel fantastic.

Fast forward throughout my 20's, and the grays increased, but I never knew by how much because dying my hair had become a regular thing. Sometimes from a box, sometimes a splurge at the salon. But stopping never seemed like an option. I told myself I enjoyed it. "Self care". It was fun to change it up once in a while. My hair had been every natural shade from blonde, to almost black, with occasional reds thrown in once in a while.

Entering my 30's, I played around with the idea of just letting it go gray. I posted a picture of my roots on Instagram and asked for honest opinions. The overall response was "DYE IT!" With a few exceptions who said I should whatever makes me feel comfortable and happy. I decided to dye it.

Then my daughters (9 and 7) started asking me if they could dye their hair. They both have gorgeous hair with natural highlights. I told them, "No way. God made your hair to match you just right... but maybe when you're older if you still want to."

"Well then why do you dye your hair? Didn't God make your hair just the right color?" Kids will always call you on your hypocrisy.

"I have to dye my hair. It's gray. When your hair is gray then you can talk to me about dying it." As the words left my lips I internally cringed. When did dying my hair stop being about "self-care" and become something I had to do.

I asked Aaron what he thought about me not dying my hair anymore.

"Whatever babe. You can never stop being beautiful to me, no matter what color your hair is." I knew I married him for a reason. Seriously, he is the best.

So it's been a few months now since I last dyed my hair. I tried a few times before but then always when it got to about where it is now, I would dye it again. This is the longest I've ever gone without dying my hair.

And when I see how much gray I have I am astonished. But I'm also, like, really excited. I don't know how to explain it.

To me, my gray hair is a physical reminder of the time I've been alive. Each day really is a gift, and getting old is a privilege denied to many. So I am grateful for the visual reminder of aging.

Then there's this feeling of self acceptance. This is me. This is who I am. I do not need to cover it up. I don't need to apologize to anyone for having to look at my gray hair. I literally had to stop myself from doing this.

I also feel like a trendsetter. Just a couple of years ago I literally felt like going gray was not even an option. I couldn't even consider it. "Why would you let yourself look like that? A box of hair dye literally costs like $8." This was the tape inside my head. I want to be an example for other woman, to let them know, Hey this is an option! And you can still look and feel beautiful. That was another reason I had given my girls. That dying my hair helped me feel good about myself. Their thoughtful questions, "Why don't you feel good about yourself if your hair is gray?" really got me thinking.

So there you have it. A million reasons why I'm done dying my hair. 

I supposed a blog post like this deserves a picture. This one doesn't quite do my gray justice, but its the best I've got. My hair grows incredibly slow, so I am sure it will be a long time before my decision is really that obvious.

When life is absolutely insane sometimes I just stop and write...

This is one of those times. And I don't have much time to write but I'm going to write as much as I can before someone needs something. Someone always needs something.

Aaron's dad had a stroke last week. Apparently there are lots of sub-categories when it comes to strokes, and his was of the really bad variety. He is still with us, but recovering very, very slowly. I won't go into all of the details of what's going on, but he is still in the ICU. So the day of The Stroke, I also had an appointment for Matthew with a developmental pediatrician. So Aaron went to Mesa to be with his family and I went to Tucson, and my life-saver BFF, Nancy took care of everyone else.

Matthew is slightly developmentally delayed but they didn't give me any kind of diagnosis besides that. Recommended I follow up with ENT for his mouth breathing. And their test results showed his language is about a 9 month old development, but his cognitive ability was at 15 months (he's 18 months) so I was happy to hear that. And he is talking more and more every day, and understanding more as well. One of their "concerns" was that he didn't play appropriately with toys. Like they wanted him to feed this bear with a fake spoon. He threw the bear across the room. Then threw the food. In his defense, that might sometimes be what it looks like when I feed all of these children.

So Aaron spent two days in Mesa. Then worked for two days. Then we packed up and went back to Mesa for two days. Then we went to Disneyand. Disneyland has been planned for a few months, and we didn't get travelers insurance, so figured Dad would want us to go anyway. So we went. And it was great. Overall. There were hard moments. Eliza was sick with a fever and sore throat. Nora threw up in the car on the way there. But we laughed until our bellies hurt, and the last day the crowds were so low we were able to walk on most rides. Which is always a rare treat at Disneyland. I literally had to spend all day yesterday doing as little as possible to gear up for this weekend.

What's this weekend, you ask. Well, I'm driving back up to Mesa to see Dad and visit Mom. And the kids are off from school on Monday as well so we'll spend some time Saturday-Monday. Then I'm bringing Ammon and Ruth's kids home with me so they can enjoy Ammon's graduation from chiropractic college without worrying about lugging the kids along. Then next weekend I'll bring them back home (or possibly meet someone in Gila Bend because Saturday night is a daddy daughter dance that Aaron really wants to bring the girls to).

So I'm sitting here next to a suitcase and a pile of laundry. The last two weeks have been so crazy with so much traveling. And next week will be crazy with cousin fun. And then we'll have a couple of weeks of peace, I hope. Then I'm taking Olivia to Universal Studios for her birthday. And then the kids are off the first week of April, and we'll probably spend it in Mesa.

It is crazy how life can change in an instant. My mother and father-in-law had plans to come with us to Disneyland. They had errands they were going to run that day before they left. They were supposed to be going to Ammon's graduation together next week. It's just so hard and so sad. I keep thinking about how we chug on through life, and have no clue when some major thing will happen and just change everything. Can't dwell on that too much, but it's hard not to when something like this happens and that reality kind of slaps you in the face.

Here's some pictures of disneyland.

Eliza is 5!

Eliza turned 5 a couple of weeks ago. We celebrated 3 times. We happened to be in Mesa the weekend before her birthday so we had a last minute cousin party. Then on her actual birthday I made her a special dessert, she got the special birthday treatment, and we had a pretty great day. Then she had her birthday party with friends from school and church and lucky for us, cousins again! She has the funniest little mind. Here are some funny recent quotes,

"Now that we had my party - I'm OFFICIALLY 5!" -- apparently the first two celebrations were nothing.

"Mom - I just love Satan a teenie tiny bit. Like, I think he'll be fine, once he just calms down." -- This one had me stifling my laughter so much. I wasn't even sure how to handle this. I just see it as her sweet way of seeing the good in everything. But also, how she freaks out sometimes and then calms herself down pretty quickly (most of the time).

"Mom, is it okay if I love you more than Jesus? I know I should love Jesus more than anyone, but I love you a tiny bit more." Yes, yes that is okay darling one. I love how much this girl loves Jesus though. She talks to Him a lot and reminds me a lot of my childhood self.

This one is from a few weeks ago after I told her we were going to go play with her best friends (who had recently turned 5). "Kimi and Kami don't even care about me anymore. Why would they care about a 4 year old when they're 5?!" She was happy to see that they did indeed still care about her. But she was absolutely thrilled to turn 5 and make their bond that much stronger.

Though she has been wishing she could turn back time so she can turn 5 again. She has loved getting cards, going shopping and all of the parties. I really will miss this girl so much when she goes to kindergarten in August.