Six Years Of Motherhood.

Can I tell you it's a whole lot easier to deal with this ^ the fourth time around, than it was the first?

I've been thinking a lot lately why that is, and I have come to the conclusion that it has a lot to do with my confidence in myself as a mother. I had spent a LOT of time around babies before I was a mother. I have LOVED babies, probably since my brother was born when I was two. Any time I could get my hands on a baby I was in heaven. I loved holding people's babies at my brother's baseball games, or random family functions when a baby would be there. As soon as I was old enough I was babysitting every chance I could get. It only got worse as I got older. I literally walked down the baby aisle every time I went to K-Mart and would smell the lotions and look at the little outfits and just urge time to move forward to when I could be a mother. I have never wanted anything else so much in my life.

So when the time finally came, you could imagine my sheer joy. Right? Only it was nothing like I expected at all. I had nannied, I had siblings, I thought I was so prepared. And I was so very overwhelmed. I cried a lot those first few months. Aaron and I fought more than we ever had before. I had no idea what I was doing, and I felt so unappreciated, anxious, angry, confused... but at the same time I felt fulfilled, and so blessed and really happy. How could one person experience all those emotions at the same time? Seriously, only a mother can understand! I was so unprepared for how quickly that pendulum could swing. In a single instant I could go from feeling so full of love that I thought my heart may burst, to "Oh-my-gosh-please-someone-take-this-milk-guzzling-little-person-away-from-me". There is no other time in my life I experience such a range of emotions in such a short period of time.

The sleepless nights seemed truly never ending. The around the clock feedings went on forever. There was always a diaper to change. And then one day I slept for 8 hours straight. And suddenly before I knew it she was feeding herself. She needs me less every day. Which is both a depressing and liberating thought. It helped though. For the babies who would come after her. I had lived through it once so I knew the sleepless nights wouldn't last forever. Nursing really is such a short sacrifice (yes, I consider it a sacrifice!). And it really isn't long before the hard stage is over and you're on to something new. 

This post is kind of all over the place. I hope my jumbled thoughts make sense when I read them again some day, and I hope I don't sound like I hate motherhood, because it's the total opposite. I am so grateful for my babies and I am so SO grateful for the opportunity I have to be a mother. It may not be what I expected, but that is because I never could have known the magnitude of joy and love until I had children of my own.