The other day I was sitting on a chair in The Girls' Room, with all three kids on my lap. And the dog literally sitting on my feet. I was trying to read them all a book, but they wouldn't stop squirming, grabbing and basically the entire event turned into one giant scream fest. On my lap. And I felt like I was suffocating. I was thinking about the fact that come Monday, Aaron would be gone 12 hours a day, and I'd be on my own. I felt six little legs and six little arms climbing all over me. And I felt like my chest was going to cave in. I just couldn't breathe. Where did all these people come from and why on Earth do they need to be ON TOP OF ME TWENTY-FOUR SEVEN?!
So I screamed. And yelled at all of them to just GET OFF ME. And then I stood up and both girls fell to their feet and I held Nathan like he was a sack of potatoes and I stomped into my bedroom and plopped Nathan down next to a sleeping Aaron and yelled, "I'm taking a shower."
What a way to wake up. Poor Aaron. The girls were crying because of my outburst, Nathan was crying because I plopped him down on the bed like a sack of potatoes, and I was in the bathroom with the door locked. And Aaron was trying to wake up and figure out what the heck was going on.
And I cried. And I sobbed. And I thought. I do my best thinking in the shower. And I thought and thought.
And the thought came to me. These children are a blessing, not a curse. They are my greatest blessings, and I'm cursing them. I thought about someone's blog I was reading last week and they mentioned they were lonely. I realized at that moment in the shower I literally can not even remember what lonely feels like. I don't even know what it feels like to go to the bathroom alone!
And I realized my attitude of "Oh poor me" had to go. Poor me? What, because too many people love me? Poor me, I have three amazing little people who can't get enough of me. At one point in my life, I was lonely. And I am so blessed I literally can't remember what that felt like. One day I'm sure I'll be lonely again. So for now I am going to soak up these little kids constantly needing to be near me.
And I realize it's okay to feel overwhelmed when you have that many bodies climbing all over you. I know it's normal to sometimes explode. And it's certainly normal and okay to be annoyed by your children. I'm not beating myself up, just learning and growing. And when I write it down I tend to remember it a bit more.