Tuesday, January 8, 2013

My latest motherhood epiphany

The other day I was sitting on a chair in The Girls' Room, with all three kids on my lap. And the dog literally sitting on my feet. I was trying to read them all a book, but they wouldn't stop squirming, grabbing and basically the entire event turned into one giant scream fest. On my lap. And I felt like I was suffocating. I was thinking about the fact that come Monday, Aaron would be gone 12 hours a day, and I'd be on my own. I felt six little legs and six little arms climbing all over me. And I felt like my chest was going to cave in. I just couldn't breathe. Where did all these people come from and why on Earth do they need to be ON TOP OF ME TWENTY-FOUR SEVEN?!

So I screamed. And yelled at all of them to just GET OFF ME. And then I stood up and both girls fell to their feet and I held Nathan like he was a sack of potatoes and I stomped into my bedroom and plopped Nathan down next to a sleeping Aaron and yelled, "I'm taking a shower."

What a way to wake up. Poor Aaron. The girls were crying because of my outburst, Nathan was crying because I plopped him down on the bed like a sack of potatoes, and I was in the bathroom with the door locked. And Aaron was trying to wake up and figure out what the heck was going on.

And I cried. And I sobbed. And I thought. I do my best thinking in the shower. And I thought and thought.

And the thought came to me. These children are a blessing, not a curse. They are my greatest blessings, and I'm cursing them. I thought about someone's blog I was reading last week and they mentioned they were lonely. I realized at that moment in the shower I literally can not even remember what lonely feels like. I don't even know what it feels like to go to the bathroom alone!

And I realized my attitude of "Oh poor me" had to go. Poor me? What, because too many people love me? Poor me, I have three amazing little people who can't get enough of me. At one point in my life, I was lonely. And I am so blessed I literally can't remember what that felt like. One day I'm sure I'll be lonely again. So for now I am going to soak up these little kids constantly needing to be near me.

And I realize it's okay to feel overwhelmed when you have that many bodies climbing all over you. I know it's normal to sometimes explode. And it's certainly normal and okay to be annoyed by your children. I'm not beating myself up, just learning and growing. And when I write it down I tend to remember it a bit more.

2 comments:

  1. When my kids were little, I figured out that a babysitter is much cheaper than psychiatric care. Occasional adult outings are invaluable, especially with another mom (the only ones who realy understand). I would also find relief in having another child visit to distract mine (and as a witness so I had to act human). Everyone says enjoy this age. It is so easy to forget how tired you are all the time. You will likely feel nostalgic for this stage one day, but not till your memory blurs. Try to spend time outside every day too.

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  2. My favorite LDS book is "How to Survive Your Greatest Blessings" by Emily Watts. This post reminded me of it. I'll mail it to you if you want! I saw her speak at a Time Out For Women (so worth it if you ever have the chance) and she was a riot, and so insightful. I love all her books. So I figure if even these outstanding LDS women have to "survive" their children once in a while, then I guess the feeling is universal to all moms now and then :)

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