Words of wisdom from Abgail

Sometimes Abigail is super deep for a 5 year old, and she utterly inspires me. I don't think she realizes what she's saying is so brilliant or deep, but often times it strikes me as exactly what I needed to hear in that moment.

For example...

A few weeks ago she was hesitant to go in the pool because the water was freezing. She was running all around the outskirts of the pool, occasionally dipping her toe in. Then, to my shock, she yelled,

"What am I doing? GOODBYE FEARS! HELLO LIFE!" And just dove straight into the deep end of the pool.

So much can be learned from this moment, am I right??  So many metaphors. Goodbye fears, hello life.

Next example, we were on a bike ride. "We" in this sentence, meaning Olivia, Abigail, and me pulling Nathan and Eliza behind in the bike trailer. We're going along, with the rule "NO RACING!" (because someone always cries). But of course, even if it's not a race, it IS a race... and Abigail got distracted and was pretty far behind. I was a bit ahead because, well momentum! Pulling that trailer full of kid is not easy, so I just peddled along at a slow enough pace, but honestly I have no clue how far behind Abigail was. I didn't even realize she was far enough behind to be upset about it, until she was speeding past me with the world's largest grin on her face. When we got home she told me this: 

"Mom, I was so sad because I was so far behind you and Olivia, I just wanted to stop and give up. I thought I could never catch up. And then I said to myself, 'Well not like that, you won't!' And I just started thinking, 'I think I can, I think I can!' and I did it! That's how you do it."

I think we have a future motivational speaker on our hands. This plus her, "I can do hard things" mantra from her 3 year old self, is pretty unstoppable.

PS - I had other examples that left my brain the moment I started typing this. Maybe I'll come back and add to it later if they come back to me. (But don't hold your breath for that.)

So this post started as a Facebook status but was getting too long so I decided to make it a blog post but I'm writing from my phone so please forgive me for the extra typos!

I've had all these thoughts lately that I want to share but for once the words escape me. I can't find exactly what I'm trying to say. So here are the facts then I will add my thoughts and maybe it will make sense.

My brother died on Friday January 2nd. But his death certificate says January 5th. 

This year Easter is on April 5th. 

The last time Easter was on April 5th was 1953. 

Also, not as infrequent but still fun fact, general conference was on Easter this year.

I do not believe in coincidences. I believe God is in the details of our lives. And I think, through the error of the date on his death certificate (it's debatable if it's really an error but I think it is) we are reminded of the resurrection and what it really means.

Here is another fact, the day after Christ was crucified and the day before Christ was resurrected, was a day of total darkness.  What were those people thinking? Did they understand his message? Did they have hope they would see their beloved Brother again? I think that dark day was very dark, in more ways than one. I can't say for certain because we don't know for sure, but based on their reactions when they heard He was risen, makes me think they were surprised and some doubtful. 

And only one was there at the tomb in the morning. Where was the blind he healed? The women he forgave? Those 5,000 he miraculously fed and taught... Where were they that first Easter morn? Had they already forgotten the miracles they experienced, as we so often do? In that darkness did they forget the hope and promise of Jesus Christ? But then He did it. He broke the bands of death and returned to his disciples, and brought with Him the light. 

And I think of us, in our day, living in our own darkness. Ours lasts longer than a day, but the pattern is the same. We were with Christ before we were born, and we will be reunited with him when our time on this earth is through. Meanwhile I hope I can be like Mary and actively seek after my savior. Serve him, love him, and tell everyone that He is truly risen!

I know I will see my brother again. I know he is not as far as he seems and before long this darkness will be over and I will be with my brother and Poppy again. 

So there, that's most of my thoughts. Maybe I can sleep now!

This week was the worst.

Tonsillitis is so painful. Started with muscle aches, fever, higher fever, exhaustion, then the kind of sore throat that's so bad you can't swallow your own saliva you are spitting into a cup. It was the worst. And all during Olivia's 7th birthday!  Today was the first day I woke up and felt pretty good, minus a headache. Then that tiny headache turned into the worst migraine of my life. 

I had to call people and ask for help several times this week. That never gets easy to me. I  am so grateful though for so many people who were so willing to watch my kids, clean my house, and cook my family dinner. Yuma may not be the most glorious place in the world but it is really full of some amazing people. So humbling to be served so much. 

So yeah this week goes down in the record books as one of the hardest, most miserable weeks of my 30 years on this earth. Hopefully it's over and the weekend will bring happiness!

Some late night thoughts about motherhood

I have some amazing, strong willed children. One particularly more strong willed than the others, and a baby who may just be following in those footsteps, time will tell. And I'm learning, and trying and some days are amazing. And some days are so hard. But I keep thinking about the phrase, "Have joy in your posterity." These babies are a blessing from God, to bring me joy! Not drive me insane. The more I remind myself of that, the better.

And the joy has come in some sweet little moments lately.

Tonight Olivia told me, out of the blue, "Mom you are just so cool." I have to write this down because I am sure the day is close on the horizon that she will never use me and cool in the same sentence ever again.

The other night putting Nathan to bed he gave me a big hug and said simply, "You're my mom."
There is really no reason that should have made me cry, but I found myself choking back tears nonetheless. I felt so unbelievably blessed to have this moment. And I was able to appreciate it. That doesn't happen too often!

Eliza has been extra cuddly lately. I just can't help but feel so blessed when she snuggles her head into my shoulder. And as I lovingly rub her back, she will wrap her little arms around me and mimic me, rubbing my back in return. Sweetest thing ever, am I right?

Abigail never gives up. We go to the park most mornings and she finally learned how to pump. And she exclaimed, "See Mom! That's what can happen if you never give up! You taught me that." Cue the tears. I so love that she has learned this lesson so early in life. And I hope she keeps it with her throughout her life. She loves to make us all laugh, and she has so much more going on in that little head than she ever lets on about.

I love these little people so much. And they do bring me so much joy. There is a scripture that we have adopted as our family scripture, "I have no greater joy than to know that my children walk in truth." I can certainly testify of its truth. There really is no greater than feeling than seeing your children grow and make wise decisions. My kids are all still so little, but even in these small things it brings my heart so much joy.

So far this post makes it seem like I really have my stuff together. I really don't. I feel the need to keep things real at all times on this blog, so I will tell you this... I have done the bare minimum lately. Laundry was so out of control it took my husband two days of hard work doing laundry nonstop to help get me back on top of it. I couldn't sleep tonight so I literally spent 30 minutes scraping who-knows-what off my kitchen floor. Took the kids to Chik-Fil-A for dinner, and Olivia kept stealing her sister's food, pretended to SNEEZE on her sister's food, and Nathan kept screaming at the top of his lungs over every little thing, and Eliza wouldn't stay in the high chair or stroller, and cried and squirmed until she was happily on my lap. My kids watch way too much TV, and play way too many video games... I really need to get that under control. So yeah, there's real life for ya!

Couldn't make this stuff up... Funny Abigail

Last night at 9:00 -- an hour and a half after I tucked her in, Abigail comes downstairs crying hysterically. Through her sobs she's able to tell me what's wrong.

"I *sob* want to be *sob* a clown *sob* and I'm afraid I'll never get the chaaance!" She wails at the end. And then when I hug her, unable to contain my laughter she sobs uncontrollably in my arms. Because she wants to be a clown, and she's afraid she'll never get the chance.

So this afternoon, I thought I could make all her dreams come true and dress her up like a clown and try to teach her how to juggle.

"So Abigail, you still want to be a clown?" I ask, anticipating her eager response.

Instead I laugh again as she replies, "No Mom. I changed my mind. Those funny days are all behind me."

Eliza is ONE!

This cutie turned one on the 20th of January! Hard to believe, a year flew by so quickly! 

Can't believe how quickly she's changing from a sweet little baby to this crazy little person who runs around destroying my house, and trying to hurt herself! She keeps us all on our toes, for sure.

She has a few words, and likes to say them over and over. Her newest word is, "Me?" She walks more than she crawls, though that didn't happen until this week. She knows where her nose is. She still takes two naps but is trying mightily to switch to one. It's been a rough transition! Though once we're through it I'll be grateful, because I feel trapped at home all day long because of naps. Eliza takes a morning nap from 9:30ish - 11:30 ish. Then Nathan takes an afternoon nap from 12ish - 2 ish, and then Eliza naps from 3ish - 5ish. So someone tell me exactly when I'm supposed to leave the house without sacrificing anyone's nap time. Because if I've learned one thing as a mom, it is that almost nothing is worth sacrificing nap time. So getting to a point where Nathan and Eliza both nap at the same time each day would be fantastic. 

And tomorrow I have to register Abigail for Kindergarten! Next year it will just be these two home with me, and Nathan desperately wants to start preschool, so maybe a few hours each day I'll just have Eliza. Whatever will I do with myself? And then the following year, no one will start school, but the next year Nathan will, then the next year no one, then the next year Eliza will! Life is changing so fast.

Grief

I should be posting about our Christmas and our trip to NJ... but everything is clouded by a giant fog of grief. While we were visiting my family in NJ, my brother died. I hate even writing that. I hate that this happened. The whole situation sucks. I stayed an extra to help my parents, be there for the funeral, etc. But the day after the funeral I had to come home and get back to my own babies.

Grief is a weird thing. It fogs your brain... it makes you hate the cat for having to go to the vet, because why should anyone have to go the vet when my brother is dead? And why are those homeless people alive, but my brother's not? And what did I come into this room to do? What was I supposed to do today? 

My mind is full of thoughts of wishing I could be closer to my family, overwhelming waves of guilt that I'm not closer, physically... Thoughts of how stupid drugs are. And what can I do to help other people never, ever do drugs? What else could I have done to help my brother? What's going to happen now? How is my mom ever going to go on? What can I do? What can anyone do? How is my sister? Like really, how is my sister? I need to be there for my sister. Why can't we just move to NJ tomorrow? Would that even help? Why is my stomach so linked to my emotions? This sucks. I hate that people think there's this certain type of person who does drugs.. I hate that anyone might think less of my brother because of his addiction.

One of the last conversations I had with my brother was when I gave him his Christmas present. I almost didn't even give it to him because it seemed so lame. It was an Old Spice gift bag that had deodorant, body wash, shampoo, and body spray. I sat in the car with it before going in to give it to him and I said to Aaron, "How lame is this? I'm giving my brother deodorant? Let's just leave it in the car." But then I thought, well he's staying at Nan's so maybe he needs manly smelling stuff, instead of using Nanny's shampoo. So I gave it to him with the warning that it was probably the lamest gift ever. And when he opened it, you would have thought I had given him like an Xbox or something else awesome. He was SO excited about the bag it was in, and went on and on about how perfect it was. That was my brother. He made you feel good and special. I hope we can all remember him as that.. Everyone talks about his smile, but really I think what people will remember is how he made them smile. My brother knew how to have fun and how to make people laugh. 

I hate that he was in so much pain. I hate that we all thought he was doing so well. I hate that he never got a chance to hit rock bottom. He was never arrested. He never got in a car accident. He never stole. He never went to rehab. People who OD go through all this first, right?? How is this possible? Why wouldn't he take me up on my offer and come live out here with me?

I am not sure I should even publish this. I don't want to disrespect my family by posting about what happened, but I don't think my family even cares. I think they want Jesse's story out there... this is what drugs do to you. Jesse always thought he was in control. He didn't want to die. He didn't think he had a problem. He thought he was smart. He told my mom he wasn't like those other people.  It started with a legit script for pain for his back. Please, if anyone in the world reads this blog, please be careful with those painkillers. I don't think anyone starts taking them thinking they're going to end up becoming dependent on them. And certainly no one thinks they're going to die from a drug overdose. 

Anyway now I'm rambling. But that's whats going on. And I'm trying to get through it.