I've spent the last 24 beating myself up for already blowing my New Years Resolution. And guess what. It has nothing to do with dieting, cleaning, or reading. My single, solitary resolve was to be at all obligated places. I wanted 100%. I wanted to be at every single thing I was supposed to be at. I really didn't think I was asking that much of myself. Because literally that's it. And that's like a thing most humans are doing... right? And I made a list of all the things I missed in 2019 and man, I felt horrible about it, and myself. And so I solemnly swore, this year I wouldn't miss anything. I got myself a new planner and wrote everything down. I put everything from my written calendar into my phone. I started using Aaron's old smartwatch so the reminder would be in my face. And guess what happened on January 6th. I missed a 4-H meeting. I don't even want to go into the embarrassing details of how on Friday, January 3rd I was apologizing to a leader for missed meetings and promising her that we will be at everything else from now on! Because I recognize me missing meetings, means extra work for her. And that's not fair. And I gave a whole speech about that, while picking up some paperwork, that I should have gotten at the LAST meeting. I guess went into the embarrassing details. Anyway, 3 days later and I miss a meeting. A meeting I had written down. And in my phone. But that doesn't help when my phone is dead. Anyway, I spiraled. I spiraled right to the Bad Place. And made physical lists of all the things I missed last year. It was so long, guys. Embarrassingly long.
So my next attempt to help me get over this problem is --- I don't even know. Asking for more help. Writing sticky notes and putting them in my car and on my fridge? Taking some supplements that help with memory? I'd say scale back from activities, but honestly we're not doing that much! Swim team for one kid, 4-H for 2 kids, and church activities throughout the week. Of course there are parent teacher conferences, homeschool co-op, awards assemblies, doctor's appointments, etc. Like I said, I don't think there's much room for scaling back. So here we are. I suck at remembering things. Like I really truly worry that I have some kind of early onset dementia. However, I remember people really well. Names, stories, even birthdays. But a doctor's appointment next Monday? Forget it. Anyway, I'm ready to forgive myself and move on. And as I was doing the dishes tonight I started to realize the many ways I have grown since last year.
1 - I decided to stop dying my hair. I've written about this already, but it's really been life changing. It's given me confidence in other areas of my life as well. It feels amazing to embrace myself, exactly as I am, right now. Which brings me to my next lesson...
2- Healthy At Every Size and rejecting Diet Culture. My body is the heaviest it's been in a long time. And I am so okay with that. Sometimes I eat my feelings, and I am so okay with that. I severely injured my foot in August and all exercise ceased until the last few weeks. And that's okay! I genuinely love and feel gratitude for my body. It has made and nourished 5 entire humans. It has served me well in all I try to accomplish. It is soft and supple and I no longer wish for it to be smaller and firmer. Somehow I've stopped comparing myself to every skinny woman I see. Somehow I've stopped staring at myself in the mirror from different angles and sucking in twisting and measuring and mentally beating myself up for the "extra" food I'd eaten that day. I'm not saying I don't have bad days, but overall, in general, I have this newfound love for myself and I wish every woman I know could feel this way.
3 - A less philosophical change, but still a big thing from this year, I finally feel like I am winning the war against laundry. I listened to an audiobook (A Slob Comes Clean) and she suggests a laundry day and just getting it all done in one day. I've tried this before, but it never got done in one day. I decided to try doing it on a Sunday, since I don't do any other housework on Sundays, and we don't go anywhere besides church. It has worked so well for me, and I have struggled HARD with laundry. The hardest part, was of course folding and putting away. Somehow or another I made this task non-negotiable. The main way I did that was eliminating laundry baskets. It does create more work, because I can only carry one child's laundry at a time. But, the second I put clothes in a laundry basket my brain categorizes them as "away". And they never get truly put away. But if I fold them and leave them on the floor, I need to put them away or a small child will undo all of my hard work in no time at all. Of course with 6 kids, it truly never ends, but this is the best I've ever been (at laundry).
I thought I had more to say, but I guess that's it. Gray hair, fat, and good at laundry! It's the circle of life...
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