This post is going to be a random stream of thoughts that need to come out of my brain. An alternate title to this post could be "My thoughts this week, and how I overcame them". But that seemed too long.
So I'm like 3 weeks late in posting about the cover Time magazine. And I'm not even posting about the nursing toddler. That's just... whatever, that is. I don't really know. But the headline - "Are you Mom Enough?"
What the crap does that even mean?!
Olivia is an intense child. Like intense. Lately her intensity has been magnified by the big move looming in our future, and all the chaos that surrounds it. She threw a huge a fit, I don't even remember why, but when she throws these huge fits she says crazy things. Things like, "I don't love you", "You don't love me" etc. Things I remember saying as a much older child. But then sometimes she says things that downright scare me. Things like, "I want to find a way to make myself die!" Those are things that as a mother - kind of make you want to run to the nearest doctor and have your 4 year old undergo a psychiatric evaluation.
Anyway a few fits like this and I started to fee like I wasn't "mom enough" for her. I seriously hate that headline for even putting those words in my head. Because I don't think I ever would have come up with them on my own. But I just felt like she was too much for me. I began to honestly believe someone else could be a better mother for her. I felt like I just didn't have what it takes to raise such an intense child. I started to feel guilty - did I do something to make her like this. Does she really want to die? Obviously at 4 years old she can't fully comprehend what that means. And she's just saying what she thinks will get a reaction. But anyway these thoughts were all consuming and led to many tears shed. Some even embarrassingly pouring down my cheeks when a well meaning person asked me how I was doing at church on Sunday.
Well then yesterday it hit me. I am the only mom she has. I have to be enough. She needs discipline, routine, structure. These are things that don't come naturally to me. But I have to work at it, for her. Because I am the only mom she has. I can't rely on her dad to pull my weight in these departments forever. I need to stretch myself. I need to be better at these things. And I can. And I will. And I will love her all the more for it.
I started this blog when Olivia was a little embryo, with an undetectable heartbeat. I never could have imagined the love, the pain, the pure joy, the laughter, the tears, and the growing she has brought to our family. She wears me out, and wears me down. But I wouldn't have it any other way. When I think of her as a blessing, and not a "job" my life is so much easier. Sometimes I get lost in the day to day and sometimes get angry at all my kids are keeping me from things I want to do - mainly reading blogs, checking email, trying to have an adult conversation, etc. My kids need me. They need all of me. And I am enough. Even if, at times, I don't feel like it.
And I am enough, not by myself, but with the help of God. I honestly believe He sends angels to help us mothers. He is truly there for us. He makes us enough, when on our we aren't. He somehow creates enough time in the day for everything to get done. He gives us the words we need when we don't know what to say. He gives us the patience to give a hug, when we want to give a slap. He gives us the energy (or Netflix) to keep up with our little ones, when really just want a nap. He gives us tender mercies every day to let us know He is not far. Because of Him, I am enough.
I need to remember that.