Monday, April 23, 2012

crazy momma.

This morning I fell asleep (yes, this morning. It was about 4:00am) with the comforting that thought that in the morning I would go check into the psych ward of our local hospital. I am not kidding you, that this thought brought me comfort and peace. I was literally at the point of thinking that maybe I could go in there, and tell them to commit me for 48 hours or something -- and maybe then I would get 8 hours of sleep. And when I woke up maybe no one would be whining at me for something. And I could just sit and think. Alone. But then I started thinking about movies I've seen with psych wards... and those movies scare me. And then I couldn't really fall asleep. So then I thought about going to the police station and confessing to some random crime, and seeing if they would put me into solitary confinement for a few hours - at least 10. What kind of crime has that punishment? 10 hours of solitary confinement is exactly what I need right now.

Yes - I am crazy right now. And yes - it has a lot to do with my last post about bye-bye binkies. And yes it has a lot to do with the fact that I've become the little old woman who lives in a shoe (ya know the one with too many children she didn't know what to do...). I used to think that poem was so mean. It made me sad to think about her "whipping them all soundly and sending them to bed". Now it sounds about right.

When I was in college my roommates got me a doll. Little Walby. Because I wanted a baby in the worst way. I had these idealistic images of motherhood. I longed for the days I would hear little people call me "mama". I used to walk the baby aisles of super stores and just smell the sweet smell of baby lotion. At church I was always looking for a baby to hold. I made a majority of my income from babysitting. This was all before I was married! Once I was married the desire for children was SO intense I spent many nights crying because my dream wasn't yet fulfilled.

And here it is. 7 years later... 1:05pm... I am in pajamas. I can smell the pile of dirty laundry next to me, that I've been putting off getting done for officially over a week now.  I hear the pitter-patter of little feet that should be sleeping. By my feet are baby toys, and a dirty diaper that hasn't found its way to the trash can yet. I haven't slept for 8 straight hours since the middle of my pregnancy with my now 4 month old son. The same son who I love to pieces - but have never been away from for more than 3 hours since his conception. Those dreams of motherhood seem so... naive now.

But I imagine this is how a lot of people feel when they realize they are living their dream. Like - really... this is what I was longing for so badly?? And at moments it can seem like maybe this isn't what I wanted after all. But those are just moments. What matters are the moments at the end of the day when I realize, Wow I am living my dream. And it is incredible. I am shaping these little people. Helping them find their way. Taking care of them. Loving them. And they love me. Oh boy do they love me. So unconditionally. They teach me more than I ever could have learned in any other way. As hard as the days can be... and the nights... it really is all worth it.

And for those of you worried about me - I got a good 4 hours of sleep after imagining solitary confinement. I woke up ready to face the day -- and not drive myself to the mental hospital or prison. And tonight Aaron has promised me 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. I am going to sleep in our playroom at 9:00pm and no one will wake up me up until at least 6:00am. I am giddy at the thought of this.

4 comments:

  1. Isn't it true that just the thought of a full nights sleep is giddy inspiring!?

    I don't know if you would be up for it - but I could come up this week and spend two days with you - one to watch your kids while you go have a day to yourself (you can bring a pump with you so you don't melt into oblivion with tears from being so full) and one to visit and hang out?

    Let me know - I really mean the offer. Respond by text or calling me - as I don't know if I would see a response on here.

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  2. I had to laugh because I have been there. I've had my heart stings pulled watching all the moms at church with their little babes waiting for my husband to "be ready" to start trying to have kids, and I've been a mama dying for more than 4 hours of sleep and wondering how the human race ever made it this far. It got so bad with my daughter that I had to throw in the nursing towel early so my husband could help me feed her in the middle of the night, and I still have pangs of guilt over it, wondering if I gave up too soon. But really, being a mom is hard! Really hard, especially when you are sleep deprived. My kids are 6 and 5 now, but I'm about to go down that road again, I'm due in November :) I'm sure I'll soon be posting similar things on my own blog ;)

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  3. In my dark times I wished fervently to be a victim in some senseless shooting. I didn't want to die, but I wanted to get injured enough for a week or so in a hospital so I could have a break along with lots and lots of sympathy.

    Please come to my city soon! I want to give you a day full of nothing but sleep and the amazing Korean dramas I've been obsessed with.

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  4. I love you! And your blog! The old woman and the shoe part made me crack up. I agree, solitary confinement sounds very appealing when the kids are whining/crying and the house is a mess and dinner needs to be made. That is what 3 to 6 pm looks like around my house. Sometimes I want to run away! Thanks for sharing all your experiences...it helps me remember I'm not alone in my struggles!

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