I do a lot of stuff wrong as a mom. I yell when I should probably hug. I don't give time outs when I probably should. And I shut down emotionally when I should I probably open up.

 But I think I do fun really well.

The other day it rained here. That is a rarity here in Yuma so it always brings happiness to almost everyone. I took Nora and Matthew with me to the gym, and when it was getting close to time to leave I decided to leave a few minutes earlier than I had to so that we could jump in all the puddles on the way to the car.

When we're walking through a store and Eliza proclaims that stepping on a red tile means you die, and a purple tile is worth extra life, you bet I'll hop on one foot to avoid the red tile like the plague.

When we walk past a ledge, I can't help but climb up and balance across -- with my little kids following behind.

Messes don't bother me much. Taking time to have fun is always worth it.

I hope and pray that this is what my kids remember when they grow up, instead of the yelling and craziness.

The Court Story

I am not sure how much I'm legally allowed to share, but I don't remember them saying the whole thing about this being closed and not to say anything so I'm assuming it's fine. I'll leave out names and stuff just in case, but I want to document everything for my own memories.

I have spent countless hours stressing about testifying. Honestly I was more worried about that than losing Matthew. I was fairly confident no judge would send my baby away to someone he hardly knew - though we all hear the horror stories, so I had a smidge of doubt. I was just scared of what I was going to say, how I was going to say it, how it might hurt his bio mom's feelings, etc. etc. 

So my heart was just racing as Aaron and I sat holding hands in the car before going into the courthouse. As usual with court, Aaron's hands were cold as ice. Apparently that's what happens when he's super nervous. I held his icy hand to my cheek and look into his eyes and told him we were going to be okay. We said a prayer and I felt oddly peaceful. 

Once we got into the courthouse I immediately took note that no one from mom's side was there. No aunt, no mom, no lawyer. We were brought into the court room where I half expected to see them, but no one was there. We waited a little over a half hour and only the lawyer showed up. She apologized that she told her client court started at 9, because she had mistakenly wrote down 9 herself. So we continued to wait, and wait for what felt like forever. I started fuming inside that they were giving her so much time, asked people to call her etc. However the judge finally decided to just proceed. He also informed us that the aunt could not get bus tickets because the tickets were sold out when she tried to buy them on Monday. Just hearing that was like a huge weight lifted. I also couldn't help but see Heavenly Father's hand so clearly in this journey. Not only were we going to get to keep Matthew, but I didn't even have to step foot on the stand. 

As we continued to go through the legal proceedings I had the thought of what an odd labor this was. Obviously not pregnant - and not a perfect analogy at all - but the feelings of waiting, anticipation of a person joining your family, those were all there. I also don't understand legal jargon very well at all and I was only half sure of what was happening.

The lawyer for the State motioned to just forgo the trial, keep the baby where is he, and proceed without going through with the trial. The judge agreed, and even though I just summed that up, that's not exactly what was said, and so I was looking over at the lawyers and the one lawyer who is the baby's GAL, who I've had the most contact with, looked at me and told me to breathe now. I cried and breathed, and cried. 

The baby's paternal grandmother came to court just to be there, for us. I was so touched by that and grateful to have her there. She gave me a huge hug after and thanked me and told me how wonderful I am and how glad she is that we'll get to keep him. She came back to our house afterwards and played with the baby for a bit and brought him Christmas presents and spoiled my own kids with lots of candy. She is such a sweetheart and I'm excited to have her as part of family as well.

I won't lie. Until we have that official adoption paperwork complete there is a bit of a cloud of fear still hanging over our heads. I know it's completely unnecessary, and everything that's left is just technical stuff, but I can't wait until it's all completely over.

But for now we're celebrating. For the last 17 months we've juggled bio parent visits. Our entire lives have revolved around accommodating this visit schedule. Making sure he was perfectly clean, well dressed and ready to go on time. Often to find out at the last minute that the visit was canceled. Or forgetting about a visit and the stress of not having him "visit ready" and worrying if a call would be put in to DCS because he had a wet diaper or food on his clothes (which YES has happened). Even 4 year old Eliza asked, "So this means no more visits??" and was thrilled to find out that yes, no more visits.