Going gray

I guess I feel like I need to write this in order to avoid possible awkward conversations. But by writing this, there is a good chance I'm creating even more opportunities for awkward conversations. Whatever. These thoughts keep swirling around my head and until I put them to paper they won't stop.

My mom found my first gray hair before I was even in my teens. She found it hilarious and unbelievable that there was a gray hair on my head. But, she reminded me, Mary was born with her first gray hair. She plucked it out, and I didn't think much of it. Then by the time I was teenager there were several grays popping up here and there. I didn't think it was a sign of aging since I knew I was only 16. And they weren't very visible. Though around this time I did start highlighting my hair. If I wasn't having it professionally done, I was using sun-in and laying out in the backyard, like every other teenage girl of the 00's. There was also the time my mom and I got a new box at the drugstore and my hair turned bright orange. Sebastian's fixed me right up. The point is, back then dying my hair was for fun and it helped my lack of confidence I had in myself back then. Nothing a fresh cut and color to make a girl feel fantastic.

Fast forward throughout my 20's, and the grays increased, but I never knew by how much because dying my hair had become a regular thing. Sometimes from a box, sometimes a splurge at the salon. But stopping never seemed like an option. I told myself I enjoyed it. "Self care". It was fun to change it up once in a while. My hair had been every natural shade from blonde, to almost black, with occasional reds thrown in once in a while.

Entering my 30's, I played around with the idea of just letting it go gray. I posted a picture of my roots on Instagram and asked for honest opinions. The overall response was "DYE IT!" With a few exceptions who said I should whatever makes me feel comfortable and happy. I decided to dye it.

Then my daughters (9 and 7) started asking me if they could dye their hair. They both have gorgeous hair with natural highlights. I told them, "No way. God made your hair to match you just right... but maybe when you're older if you still want to."

"Well then why do you dye your hair? Didn't God make your hair just the right color?" Kids will always call you on your hypocrisy.

"I have to dye my hair. It's gray. When your hair is gray then you can talk to me about dying it." As the words left my lips I internally cringed. When did dying my hair stop being about "self-care" and become something I had to do.

I asked Aaron what he thought about me not dying my hair anymore.

"Whatever babe. You can never stop being beautiful to me, no matter what color your hair is." I knew I married him for a reason. Seriously, he is the best.

So it's been a few months now since I last dyed my hair. I tried a few times before but then always when it got to about where it is now, I would dye it again. This is the longest I've ever gone without dying my hair.

And when I see how much gray I have I am astonished. But I'm also, like, really excited. I don't know how to explain it.

To me, my gray hair is a physical reminder of the time I've been alive. Each day really is a gift, and getting old is a privilege denied to many. So I am grateful for the visual reminder of aging.

Then there's this feeling of self acceptance. This is me. This is who I am. I do not need to cover it up. I don't need to apologize to anyone for having to look at my gray hair. I literally had to stop myself from doing this.

I also feel like a trendsetter. Just a couple of years ago I literally felt like going gray was not even an option. I couldn't even consider it. "Why would you let yourself look like that? A box of hair dye literally costs like $8." This was the tape inside my head. I want to be an example for other woman, to let them know, Hey this is an option! And you can still look and feel beautiful. That was another reason I had given my girls. That dying my hair helped me feel good about myself. Their thoughtful questions, "Why don't you feel good about yourself if your hair is gray?" really got me thinking.

So there you have it. A million reasons why I'm done dying my hair. 

I supposed a blog post like this deserves a picture. This one doesn't quite do my gray justice, but its the best I've got. My hair grows incredibly slow, so I am sure it will be a long time before my decision is really that obvious.