Eliza is 6!

I can't say enough about this girl. She is something else. I could listen to her thoughtful ramblings forever. I once told her that her face was so interesting to me that I could stare at it forever and never get bored. And I think that meant so much to her because I can't tell you how many times she's asked since then, "Mom, could you really stare at my face forever?"

She has the most thought provoking, google inducing questions. Some even google can't answer. Like, if we always tell her "it's GOOD to make mistakes, and we learn through our mistakes, well then how did Jesus ever learn anything, because he didn't make any mistakes?" She literally asked this a week ago. Any great answers, because, "Well... mistakes aren't the *only* way we learn." didn't really satiate her curiosity.

Tonight when I was putting her to bed I said, "Okay 6 years old, I will tell you six things I love about you." And I rattled off six things and went to give her a kiss goodnight before going to bed myself. And she said, "Wait, how old are you? Okay I'm going to tell you 35 things I love about you!" And while this may have been delaying bedtime tactic, it was a darn good one. And that list was the most amazing thing I've ever heard. Not a single thing was about her. Like cooking dinner for her, or anything that involved her at all. It was things like, "You always try so hard! Even when you fail at your resolutions, do you give up? NO! You just keep trying. That's so good, Mom." I mean, she went hard. "You have a job that you love. And you wake up SO early because you care about people. And you care about us and you care about kids in China. You just really care about people. You always have this smile on your face when your kids are happy. You make sure we always have great birthdays and make us feel so important and special. When someone gets hurt you don't yell at them for doing something wrong, you just make sure they're okay. You have so much faith and you teach us about the Gospel and your spirit just fills my spirit up, like this (moving her hand up higher and higher)." She went on and on and I wish so much I could have recorded it because I can't remember quite everything. Though never giving up was repeated a few times.

She is so caring and one of my favorite things about Eliza is how quick she is to apologize and recognize when she did something wrong. I had an experience when she was a toddler throwing a huge tantrum and I was about to discipline this behavior when the Spirit spoke so clearly to me. "Don't break her spirit. Don't break her. She has a special spirit, she feels things strongly, don't break her spirit." Believe it or not, I had been given the advice before, with my first child, that I had to "break her spirit" and if I didn't I would have trouble her the rest of her life. You show them who's boss when they're toddlers and you won't have to show them again when they're teenagers. Maybe this is true. But it just felt awful to me, and I am so glad I listened to that prompting and have always kept it in mind. Whenever she would throw fits or get upset, I would usually respond with empathy and naming her feelings and helping her work through it. Not that I was 100% perfect at this, but I am so grateful to see the fruits of my efforts in this regard. When Eliza makes a mistake she's the first to admit, apologize, try to make it right, and move on. I pray she keeps this gift forever!

Right before her first birthday, my brother died, and Eliza stayed in NJ with me, while Aaron flew the other kids home. She was such a light to everyone during that time. She happily went to whoever wanted to hold her. She would try her hardest to toddle between two grieving adults, bringing them joy and smiles during the darkest time. I know it could have been any toddling, cute 11 month old that would have distracted us then, but I really believe there is something special about Eliza. Especially as a baby, everyone just LOVED her. And now, anyone who takes the time to get to know her and see past her sass, also fall in love.

She is also so empathetic and caring. When someone is hurt she will be the first trying to cheer them up.

She is still obsessed with her "night night" and she does this thing where she rubs her face with her blanket and kind of sucks on her lip. I'm not even sure what she's doing, she calls it "mmmm-ing" and she can't quit it. Even though it's rubbed the enamel completely off her teeth (thank goodness they're baby teeth and hopefully when they fall out she won't be able to "mmm" anymore and break the habit before her adult teeth grow in!).

Yesterday we were playing basketball and I told her that I think it's too high for any 5 year old to be able to make a basket, but she wanted to try anyway. I told her, "Okay, but it's really all in the legs." "I know, Mom! I know. Alll...in... the legs..." She crouched down then jumped up and shot, and it went right in! Then she did it again! 2 in a row. She was beaming. "Maybe I could be on a basketball team, afterall!"


I need to go to bed, but really I could write a novel about this girl and the funny things she says and the wonderful things she does.

Just a general life update of things I don't want to forget. The holidays were good. Though we have had the longest string of rotten luck this year. It started with roof rats. Which led to finding out about termites. And then a random window just falling out of our house. No one was hurt, it was fine. But very unusual and the window guy wanted to take a picture of it because he always tells people it could happen (some glue thingy dried out and failed. Supposedly the windows from this place will never do that because they use something different.) but he's never actually seen it happen, and this picture could help him sell a lot of windows. Go for it, dude. And then there was this little dude causing some trouble that ended up costing us $1,000. (Won't go into details publicly, but if you want to know just ask.) I can't even remember everything else, but basically since August we have not had a month where an extra $1,000 didn't just *poof* away. So that was fun. But we still had a great Christmas, and enjoyed time with family and actually what I want to remember most this Christmas is how peaceful it truly was. The kids ALL played so well together all day. Not a single argument or fight. It was magical and just a great day. Which ended with pestilence and the plague. Okay -- just strep throat and a weird virus.

    Honestly we've been sick since a bit before Christmas, Abigail with strep throat, and then Aaron and I with strep throat. Olivia, Nathan, Matthew, and Nora all down with a weird virus that included a fever and rash. But at last, I think today is the first in about a month that we're all healthy *knock on wood*.  

Matthew putting this toy house on his head and walking around making everyone laugh.

"Look Mom, I'm a little roof!"

Of all the sick kids, she was the sickest. Poor girl had a fever for a week and just wanted to snuggle all day every day.

New Years Even with friends.

Yuma did an aweome new years eve activity for families, and they had these sketchy characters there. But honestly, the little kids were just as excited as if we were at Disneyland.

On Christmas Eve we bake all day. Made the best snickerdoodles ever.

Things I Learned in 2019.

I've spent the last 24 beating myself up for already blowing my New Years Resolution. And guess what. It has nothing to do with dieting, cleaning, or reading. My single, solitary resolve was to be at all obligated places. I wanted 100%. I wanted to be at every single thing I was supposed to be at. I really didn't think I was asking that much of myself. Because literally that's it. And that's like a thing most humans are doing... right? And I made a list of all the things I missed in 2019 and man, I felt horrible about it, and myself. And so I solemnly swore, this year I wouldn't miss anything. I got myself a new planner and wrote everything down. I put everything from my written calendar into my phone. I started using Aaron's old smartwatch so the reminder would be in my face. And guess what happened on January 6th. I missed a 4-H meeting. I don't even want to go into the embarrassing details of how on Friday, January 3rd I was apologizing to a leader for missed meetings and promising her that we will be at everything else from now on! Because I recognize me missing meetings, means extra work for her. And that's not fair. And I gave a whole speech about that, while picking up some paperwork, that I should have gotten at the LAST meeting. I guess went into the embarrassing details. Anyway, 3 days later and I miss a meeting. A meeting I had written down. And in my phone. But that doesn't help when my phone is dead. Anyway, I spiraled. I spiraled right to the Bad Place. And made physical lists of all the things I missed last year. It was so long, guys. Embarrassingly long.

So my next attempt to help me get over this problem is --- I don't even know. Asking for more help. Writing sticky notes and putting them in my car and on my fridge? Taking some supplements that help with memory? I'd say scale back from activities, but honestly we're not doing that much! Swim team for one kid, 4-H for 2 kids, and church activities throughout the week. Of course there are parent teacher conferences, homeschool co-op, awards assemblies, doctor's appointments, etc. Like I said, I don't think there's much room for scaling back. So here we are. I suck at remembering things. Like I really truly worry that I have some kind of early onset dementia. However, I remember people really well. Names, stories, even birthdays. But a doctor's appointment next Monday? Forget it. Anyway, I'm ready to forgive myself and move on. And as I was doing the dishes tonight I started to realize the many ways I have grown since last year.

1 - I decided to stop dying my hair. I've written about this already, but it's really been life changing. It's given me confidence in other areas of my life as well. It feels amazing to embrace myself, exactly as I am, right now. Which brings me to my next lesson...

2- Healthy At Every Size and rejecting Diet Culture. My body is the heaviest it's been in a long time. And I am so okay with that. Sometimes I eat my feelings, and I am so okay with that. I severely injured my foot in August and all exercise ceased until the last few weeks. And that's okay! I genuinely love and feel gratitude for my body. It has made and nourished 5 entire humans. It has served me well in all I try to accomplish. It is soft and supple and I no longer wish for it to be smaller and firmer. Somehow I've stopped comparing myself to every skinny woman I see. Somehow I've stopped staring at myself in the mirror from different angles and sucking in twisting and measuring and mentally beating myself up for the "extra" food I'd eaten that day. I'm not saying I don't have bad days, but overall, in general, I have this newfound love for myself and I wish every woman I know could feel this way.

3 - A less philosophical change, but still a big thing from this year, I finally feel like I am winning the war against laundry. I listened to an audiobook (A Slob Comes Clean) and she suggests a laundry day and just getting it all done in one day. I've tried this before, but it never got done in one day. I decided to try doing it on a Sunday, since I don't do any other housework on Sundays, and we don't go anywhere besides church. It has worked so well for me, and I have struggled HARD with laundry. The hardest part, was of course folding and putting away. Somehow or another I made this task non-negotiable. The main way I did that was eliminating laundry baskets. It does create more work, because I can only carry one child's laundry at a time. But, the second I put clothes in a laundry basket my brain categorizes them as "away". And they never get truly put away. But if I fold them and leave them on the floor, I need to put them away or a small child will undo all of my hard work in no time at all.  Of course with 6 kids, it truly never ends, but this is the best I've ever been (at laundry).

I thought I had more to say, but I guess that's it. Gray hair, fat, and good at laundry! It's the circle of life...

Nora at 3 years old is the most adorable human to ever grace this planet. Also the most sensitive and most clingy. So you take the good with the difficult, right? Just some cuteness I never want to forget.

Preparing Friendsgiving dinner and had out some heavy whipping cream. Nora asked me what it was. I told her it was heavy cream. She picked up and held it above her head and proclaimed, "It's not heavy to me, Mama!"

Matthew is always getting into trouble and keeping us on our toes. He is an escape artist and a climber and just a very energetic 2 year old. And still so tiny. He is adding new words to his vocabulary every day - but at almost 2.5 he still hasn't said mom. Here is a list of words he has said:

Thorton
Daddy
Eliza
Owie
Cracker
Water
Milk
Teacher
School
Shoes
Car
Door
Bye
Awww
TV
TIME! (baby signing time)
Cookie
Cereal
Buckle
Olivia
Abby
Book
Cow
Stop
Go

Seriously! All these words but not mama. And I know (trust me, baby #6, I KNOW) once he says I will be like, "Okay enough!" but it's not like he doesn't try to get my attention. He just howls and yells generic attention grabbing sounds until I look at him and he tells me what he wants. And eveyr time I tell him to say "mama"... some day!

Him and Nora are always hugging and playing and usually getting into trouble together. Nora will copy his behaviors and it drives me nuts. But I do love to see them playing together more and more.

That time we drove across the country and back again.

Earlier this month we left on an epic trip to visit my family in NJ. We left on a Monday morning and made it there by Wednesday night. Long days in the car, but we had a great time, for the most part. The only real stressful times were at the end of the day, unloading everyone and everything to stay in a hotel to try to sleep for a few hours.

We had a great trip. The kids had a blast seeing everyone. We went to the beach, the water park, Chuck e cheese, breakfast at Nanny's, paddle boarding at Jackie's, swimming at my aunts', and lots of quality grandparent time for the kids and my parents. Aaron and I went to see Jimmy Eat World and Third Eye Blind at PNC Bank. It was a lot of fun.

One funny memory - we played this game on the way out, "Word Dominoes". You say a word, then the next person says a word that is somehow related to your word, and so on.

"Spider"
"Web"
"Internet"
"Computer"
"Library"
"Books"
... and so on.

We were having a good time playing it with the oldest 4, but Nora desperately wanted to play along. Except she is 3. So she just kept randomly yelling, "GARBAGE TRUCK!" which made us all laugh hysterically.

On the way home we stopped in North Carolina to hang out with my sister. We also stopped and saw friends from medical school days, and spent the night with them. Then we listened to Lake Pontachatrain, while driving over Lake Pontchatrain, which was amazing. We ate alligator in New Orleans. We saw where Aaron served his mission in Houston, TX. We toured the Blue Bell Factory. We saw the Alamo. Then we drove for 17 more hours.

just some memories

I went to the car wash yesterday. Nora loves to "help" me with the vacuum and the compressed air thingy, so she was out of her seat bouncing around the car. I was finishing up and it was time to get her back in her seat. She was in the driver's seat and I told her to go get in her seat. I walked around the van to the passenger door, where I could buckle her in. But she wasn't there. I look back in the front and she's not there either.  "Nora!" I call out. No answer. I look around under the seats. Don't see her, so now I'm afraid she's hopped out the driver side and took off somewhere. So I'm looking around outside the car, just as a worker happens to be walking by. I am panicking at this point, as I tell him I can't find my 2 year old. He sprints off and pushes some emergency stop button that then causes alarms to start blaring. I'm yelling, in bewilderment at this point. Like, where could she have gone in the literal 30 seconds it took me to walk around the van? And then she pops her head up from under a blanket in the passenger side foot well area. With a huge smile on her face, thinking she was just hilarious. The whole incident was less than 5 minutes, but it kept me reeling all day.

Then we were driving to Eliza's preschool graduation and the weather has been abnormally cold lately. Eliza's comments on this:

"Mom, sometimes when I'm cold I wish I could be hot. But when I'm hot, I wish I was cold! Like, when I'm so hot I feel like a ball of dough, I just wish I could be a Popsicle. It's so hard to be the right temperature! Only one day was it the perfect weather. Just ONE DAY! ("What day is that?") TURKEY DAY! On Turkey Day it was the perfect weather. I wasn't too hot and I wasn't too cold. But it okay because Turkey Day will come again."  

She really is an absolute riot and I should write down more of what she says. She is insightful and hilarious. However on the way home she then said something heartbreaking. So during her performance she looked absolutely miserable up on the stage. I asked her why she looked so sad up there, expecting her to maybe say something about stage fright, but no. She says, "It's just that sometimes I feel like you're not really my mom. Like I don't even have a mom. And I just feel like I'm all alone." Uhm, WHAT! I have no idea how she could feel this way, but if you ever wanted to know exactly what to say to someone to make them feel the worst mom guilt imaginable - those are the words you need. I tried to get her to clarify but she was pretty clear. I see some more one on one time in our future.

643 days later...

Abigail came into our room tonight at about 2:45am because she has a fever. I got her some medicine and sent her back to bed, and then tossed and turned for an hour. I went to bed at 9, and was asleep before 10, because of just sheer exhaustion. So now feeling more rested, my mind is just racing with all the thoughts of the day. So many thoughts, feelings, emotions, swirling around inside my head, sleep is just not even close to an option. Though I hate starting a day before 3:00am, I really enjoy this quiet peaceful time in my home.

Anyway, I wanted to write some of the thoughts and feelings of this day. A different kind of birth story. What a journey it has been. There is always an element of sadness when someone becomes an adoptive parent. It's of course, happy and joyful and exciting. But there is an undertone of loss. It's not ALL happy, like when a new baby is born into a family. No judgement for this feeling, just acknowledging that it's there. 

I think I've shared some of these thoughts and parts of Matthew's story before, but I'm going to put it all in one place anyway. When we first got the call about a baby boy needing a home, I immediately said yes. And then called Aaron to make sure it was, indeed, yes. Just two days prior, I had been talking to my sister-in-law telling her how I wished someone would just call and tell me they had a baby boy for me. This phone call felt so serendipitous.  

 I excitedly pulled out the baby boy clothes I'd been saving since Nathan was a baby. Got the bassinet next to our bed, and of course called everyone we know to tell them we were getting a baby!  Then we waited to hear again from the social worker. And waited. And waited. No one ever called again, and before 5, I decided to call them and see what I needed to do. It did not occur to me that they could have given the baby to someone else. Apparently the way it works is that once DCS has custody of a child, they let all the agencies know. The agencies contact their families, and whoever gets back to DCS first is typically who gets the child. In this case, our agency was not first to get back to them, and Matthew went to another foster family. When the social worker apologized for not getting back to me, but that another family was taking the baby, I was so confused. I had no clue that was how it worked. I remember telling her it was okay, but I was choking back tears. Even though I hadn't lost anything, it felt like a loss. I decided to let myself grieve a little bit. But I couldn't shake the feeling that this baby was already meant to be mine. I prayed on my knees so hard that night, and for a long time the next day. I went about all I had to do for the day, but could not stop thinking about this baby boy I had never met. 

Two more days went by like this. I still hadn't brought myself to put away the clothes and bassinet. I never stopped praying or thinking about the baby boy. And then on Friday I got called to sub at my kids school. While I was there my phone rang, and even though I shouldn't have, I answered it. It was the same social worker, "Are you still interested in that baby boy? The other foster family changed their minds." Tears immediately stung my eyes and I choked out a, "Yes. Yes, of course!" And because I just overshare in general I started telling the social worker all about this connection I'd already felt, and how I'd been praying for the last 3 days. She was very gracious in listening to me babble, and then told me someone from the hospital would be calling me to let me know the details. 

The anxiety of that day is still palpable. I was subbing for a special ed teacher who went to different classrooms to work with students. It was good, because I got to keep moving and staying busy, but had time between kids to check my phone incessantly. No one from the hospital ever called. I called my licensing worker and excplained what was going on and asked what I should do. She wasn't sure either, and I told her I was going to just go to the hospital as soon as school was over. She said that was probably fine. I called Nancy and asked her if her daughter, my babysitter, could stay after school and watch them while I went to pick up a baby at the hospital. What a long day that was for the poor babysitter.

I showed up at the hospital with my infant carseat washed and ready to go. I walked up to labor and delivery and explained who I was. The front desk person had no idea, so she called the hospital social worker. She came and greeted me, and knew exactly who I was there for. She explained on our walk back to the NICU that there was some mix-up with messages, and she didn't know another foster family had been called. She was glad I decided to just show up. She explained that Matthew (the first time I heard his name!) had been really fussy, had some trouble with feeding, and the other family was just too overwhelmed. She led me to his tiny bed, and there was the tiniest baby I had ever seen. He was sleeping, but I asked if I could pick him up. She said of course. And I scooped up all 5lbs of him and just melted. I studied his tiny features and my mind just raced. How could anyone given this baby up? What was his story? I looked up and saw the social worker, and NICU nurses all gathered around, and one wiping a tear from her eyes. They explained a bit about the other family, but they could already tell how comfortable I was holding him. Initially they wanted him to stay another night in the NICU, to make sure I knew how to take care of him, but after watching me hold him, change him and feed him they changed their minds. They got the doctor to check him out, and after hours of snuggling, we were able to leave. The first place I went was Fry's. With my new 5 day old baby, so I could buy formula, and show Aaron our new baby. It was dark by the time I got home, and honestly the rest is a blur.  I had very little information about why this baby was removed. I was initially told there would be no visits, and there was no family who was able to care for him. It felt like this was actually going to be our baby.

The next day a social worker came to our house and explained there would be supervised visits 3 times a week with the bio dad, and 3 times a week with the bio mom. They couldn't be together because they both had restraining orders, etc. This is a messy part of Matthew's story, and part I probably shouldn't publish on a public blog. But the thoughts of this being our baby were quickly dashed. It seemed possible and even likely that Matthew would be reunited with his dad. 

And then there were aunts and grandparents.

Looked even less likely Matthew would be with us forever.

Yet, I couldn't deny or shake the connection from that very first phone call. We went to court 4 times, each time hoping we wouldn't lose him, but terrified we might. There was a period I was honestly rooting for his dad to really get it together. It was clear he loved his son. Unfortunately, love isn't all it takes. 

The emotions during this year are strange. Is there way to stop from getting "too attached"? Aaron had a sacred experience where he got his confirmation that Matthew was truly our son. And yet, still it was hard to not be afraid. There is this guard you try to put up, but it's impossible. Especially with our sweet Matthew. To know him, truly is to love him.

The scariest court date was when an aunt had come forward and wanted to take Matthew to Texas. They would have moved him when he was 6 months old, but his dad was still doing his visits and doing well, the judge didn't move him. Same story 6 months later. But then dad's rights were severed and this aunt was still fighting for him. So we make it to yet another court date, expecting the aunt to be there, and likely having to say goodbye to our almost 18 month old son. And she wasn't there. She didn't get a bus ticket on time, and the bus was sold out. Mom's rights were severed and we moved forward in total shock. Grateful, but completely shocked. 

Then we waited to get a court date for the final adoption hearing. A date we were never sure would come. A date that we are planning our entire summer around. Getting the email with that date was significant. May 13th. A day we'll celebrate forever. And of course celebrated today with a party with our friends, who are like family, here in Yuma. 

 When it looked like the aunt was going to get Matthew, I told Nathan one night, hoping to prep him a little bit. Honestly, Nathan didn't pay Matthew much attention most of the time, so I was surprised when he burst into tears crying, "No! No! They can't take him away!" Of course I then burst into tears and hug him and tell him again it might not happen, but it is possible and we should be prepared. This morning as we were getting ready to go to court Nathan said, "Mom, I can't believe it's really happening. I actually have a brother now. I never thought I would have a brother." *cue tears.

The kids did pretty good. Eliza thought the 15 minute, anticlimactic court hearing was way too long, and Nora had to go potty, but overall they did great. When we were being sworn in they asked the Opies to stand and raise their right hands. Aaron was whispering, "No, no no..." And I was like, "What? Am I using the wrong hand? Are we supposed to do it seperately? Why are you saying no right now?" Apparently all of our kids were also standing and raising their hands to be sworn in.