Nora just learned the phrase "how about...". And she uses it liberally and loudly.

Give her a cup of juice, "How about that one?" she asks pointing to the pink cup.

Later that day while she tried to open the freezer "HOW ABOUT ICE POP?!"

Eliza dared me to go into the woods to find a cute baby bunny. When I asked why she said so I can kill it and she can eat it. My kids think violence is so hilarious. But the randomness of this one did make me laugh a little.

It's almost fall and that makes me so happy. Even though it's still ridiculously hot. Today it's only 99 degrees though! ... with 75% humidity. So much for our dry heat. But I've still been baking, and got a Pumpkin spice drink from Starbucks, and I'm really looking forward to feeling that chill in the air in the early mornings. Soon! 

I rejoined the gym a couple of weeks ago. It's done wonders for my sanity. I am not even focusing one iota on my weight, but going to the gym for almost 2 hours 4 times a week because it is a break from my life. I can listen to podcasts and audiobooks, or even just watch tv and walk on a treadmill. It's really heavenly. Because as cute as these two are, mama needs some time. So it's been really good.

I need to take more pictures! This was all I had and it was from weeks ago.

cute moments I want to capture in time

On Thursday we had a family movie night. As we were getting the movie set up, and I was popping the popcorn, and the kids were trying to make it as dark as possible to achieve maximum movie theater at home experience, Nathan ran upstairs. I happened to look over as he was coming back downstairs, in one of Aaron's t-shirts and his favorite blanket in hand. Why did this strike me as so freaking cute? I don't know, but I looked at Aaron and realized he had caught this glimpse of Nathan in this moment also, and we looked at each other and Aaron was like, "That is really cute." And I was like I KNOW RIGHT?! Something just so sweet and innocent about it. For whatever reason it was a moment. 

Then today the cuteness came in the form of Nora being so sweet with Matthew. All day she was wanting to make sure he was included in whatever she was doing. I was going to give her a bath and she insisted he take a bath too. I washed her hair and then she pointed and said, "Matthew's turn?" When I gave her a banana she broke it in half and handed half to him. So I was extra grateful I got them matching PJ's at Sam's club last night. They had boy/girl dino jammies and it was just so cute. Even cuter was Nora's reaction when I put them on. She was so happy and kept showing him their matching feet. 

Olivia is writing a book. I love seeing her love things like writing and baking. She is growing up and it keeps hitting me in weird ways. I am so grateful she is who she is. Today I had something to be at for an hour or so and I knew I could leave her to babysit and all would be well. 

And I posted this on facebook but figured it's blog worthy as well. Eliza was wearing the same pants since Wednesday (It's Saturday). They were filthy. I told her to go change them and she protested. "But mom, look..." she gestured to the many stains covering the front and back, "these are science pants now!" I was laughing too hard to even ask her to explain. She is a hoot. 

Abigail spent a good portion of today pretending to be a cleaning robot and doing anything I asked her. 

Have to write about these cute moments, because overall today was honestly rough. Lots of fighting, grumbling, so much crying, and two toddlers are the messiest things on earth, and we were so glad when daddy came home... but those cute moments are a pretty good payoff.

We went to my cousin's wedding last weekend. It was a great time. The wedding was beautiful and Aaron and I got to run away all by ourselves. HEAVEN! So grateful for wonderful family who happily and willingly take on my brood of 6 kids. It was a lot of traveling for a short weekend, but I would do it again a million times. 

First of all - once you are used to traveling with kids, traveling alone is as good as life gets. There is nothing more relaxing to me than being a passenger on an airplane or in the car. So even though we had to travel 3 hours in the car, 4 hours on the plane, 5 hours in the car... then all over again 3 days later - it was honestly wonderful. 

We also got to go back to Erie and drive by our old apartment. I love that place and miss that time in our lives so much. Being back where it's so green and lush just makes me feel like fish put back in the water. We did some quick shopping and got lunch at Wegmans. I really love PA. 

The reception was so much fun. We danced and danced and laughed and talked and ate delicious food. 

Though on the way there I was so hungry. As soon as we landed I looked up restaurants on yelp and set my heart on this piorogi place. I was dying to try it as it had 5 stars and hundreds of reviews. It was a bit of a drive, and I poured over reviews the entire time. I knew exactly what I was going to get. We pull up... and it closed 15 minutes before we got there. AHhhhhh..... I cried. A lot. There was a pizza place next door and we were so hungry we just grabbed some pizza and it was awful. So gross. So I cried more. I don't know why I was so emotional - well yes I do. But man I wanted a freaking perogi so bad. But honestly - as fun as the wedding was, I was looking forward to it, but was also dreading it. I knew I would feel the heaviness of missing Jesse. As happy as it is, it's also so sad that Jesse isn't there. He would certainly have been Tommy's "best man" and having everyone together just feels so hard without him there. I hadn't really let myself feel any of this though - so it all came out when I was denied my delicious dinner.

But once we were there it was okay. There were tears shed, but mostly it was a happy day and though we miss Jesse so much we definitely knew he was there. I could almost see him standing next to Tommy with all the other groomsmen. Which was happy and sad. Wish he could really be there. I wish he had the chance to get married. I wish my moms heart wasn't so broken. But I'm grateful that we know this life isn't the end. 

Then after we got home from the wedding we had court for our sweet foster baby. It was an initial severance hearing. Which apparently all they do is set a date for the trial. So now we wait and pray and see what happens in November.

The one where Nathan Starts Hockey

I am seriously so excited for Nathan to be playing hockey. It was my brother's thing, and while it's definitely bitter sweet, I choose to focus on the sweet. I'd love to say Nathan put on his skates and hit the ground gliding like pro, but the truth is, he is pretty terrible. Definitely not a natural. But it was his first time on skates and he didn't fall down that much! So I was impressed. He just does this hilarious tiny baby steps way of skating. It's hard to describe, and hilarious to watch. I'm sure he'll continue to improve. And he's already made good friends, and I'm already envisioning signing him up for travel and becoming a real hockey mom. Though I think that will be further down the road. 

Also anyone in Yuma -- hockey is THE best sport option. Equipment rental is free and it's only $50 for the whole season. You really can't beat that! I kind of regret not signing my girls up as well. So far it seems like Nathan loves to play as much as I love to watch, but we'll see how long it lasts. Skate clinic was indoors, and when the season starts we'll be outside. Hopefully cool weather is just around the corner, but in the middle of August this heat feels never ending. 

The One When We Go To Court

So we went to court last week. Aaron had to work so my good friend Nancy came with me for moral support. I am so glad she came because I came out of court really blindsided. They are moving to severance but plan on moving baby to TX. Today is his first birthday! I have had him since he was released from the hospital after being born. He has never met this aunt, not even via video chat or visits, despite my willingness to try either of these things, even meeting halfway or something. But none of that seemed to matter and I was told flat out that I'm not even a consideration. To say I was hurt would be an understatement. I don't even know the correct words for the emotions I was feeling.

So if you are into getting your heartbroken, feeling like a bystander when it comes to the child you are loving with all your heart, then foster care is a great choice for you. If you enjoy not knowing what's going on with a child in your care 24/7, I highly recommend this choice.

On the other hand, I feel like I'm really good at this. And that makes me feel good. I try really hard to have a relationship with baby's bio parents and our licensing worker (the only person it feels like is on my side, or really baby's side) says that will look good in court and to include it in my letter to the judge. I am able to love these babies with all I've got, knowing that at any moment they can leave. The only times I really question what the heck I'm doing is when I wonder if it's hurting my own kids in anyway. They all seem fine and okay with everything, and I tell myself that they are learning compassion and empathy and selfless love, but that's hard when I think of Nora. I mean she's had 3 foster siblings in the 2 years she's been alive. Does she sense she might be one to leave? Is that why she doesn't sleep anymore or is the most clingy of my 5.

Anyway we go back for a severance hearing on the 6th of Sept. I am not sure what will happen from there. It will be interesting.

Pictures are worth 1,000 words. (Maybe i'll find time to add actual words..)