I do a lot of stuff wrong as a mom. I yell when I should probably hug. I don't give time outs when I probably should. And I shut down emotionally when I should I probably open up.

 But I think I do fun really well.

The other day it rained here. That is a rarity here in Yuma so it always brings happiness to almost everyone. I took Nora and Matthew with me to the gym, and when it was getting close to time to leave I decided to leave a few minutes earlier than I had to so that we could jump in all the puddles on the way to the car.

When we're walking through a store and Eliza proclaims that stepping on a red tile means you die, and a purple tile is worth extra life, you bet I'll hop on one foot to avoid the red tile like the plague.

When we walk past a ledge, I can't help but climb up and balance across -- with my little kids following behind.

Messes don't bother me much. Taking time to have fun is always worth it.

I hope and pray that this is what my kids remember when they grow up, instead of the yelling and craziness.

The Court Story

I am not sure how much I'm legally allowed to share, but I don't remember them saying the whole thing about this being closed and not to say anything so I'm assuming it's fine. I'll leave out names and stuff just in case, but I want to document everything for my own memories.

I have spent countless hours stressing about testifying. Honestly I was more worried about that than losing Matthew. I was fairly confident no judge would send my baby away to someone he hardly knew - though we all hear the horror stories, so I had a smidge of doubt. I was just scared of what I was going to say, how I was going to say it, how it might hurt his bio mom's feelings, etc. etc. 

So my heart was just racing as Aaron and I sat holding hands in the car before going into the courthouse. As usual with court, Aaron's hands were cold as ice. Apparently that's what happens when he's super nervous. I held his icy hand to my cheek and look into his eyes and told him we were going to be okay. We said a prayer and I felt oddly peaceful. 

Once we got into the courthouse I immediately took note that no one from mom's side was there. No aunt, no mom, no lawyer. We were brought into the court room where I half expected to see them, but no one was there. We waited a little over a half hour and only the lawyer showed up. She apologized that she told her client court started at 9, because she had mistakenly wrote down 9 herself. So we continued to wait, and wait for what felt like forever. I started fuming inside that they were giving her so much time, asked people to call her etc. However the judge finally decided to just proceed. He also informed us that the aunt could not get bus tickets because the tickets were sold out when she tried to buy them on Monday. Just hearing that was like a huge weight lifted. I also couldn't help but see Heavenly Father's hand so clearly in this journey. Not only were we going to get to keep Matthew, but I didn't even have to step foot on the stand. 

As we continued to go through the legal proceedings I had the thought of what an odd labor this was. Obviously not pregnant - and not a perfect analogy at all - but the feelings of waiting, anticipation of a person joining your family, those were all there. I also don't understand legal jargon very well at all and I was only half sure of what was happening.

The lawyer for the State motioned to just forgo the trial, keep the baby where is he, and proceed without going through with the trial. The judge agreed, and even though I just summed that up, that's not exactly what was said, and so I was looking over at the lawyers and the one lawyer who is the baby's GAL, who I've had the most contact with, looked at me and told me to breathe now. I cried and breathed, and cried. 

The baby's paternal grandmother came to court just to be there, for us. I was so touched by that and grateful to have her there. She gave me a huge hug after and thanked me and told me how wonderful I am and how glad she is that we'll get to keep him. She came back to our house afterwards and played with the baby for a bit and brought him Christmas presents and spoiled my own kids with lots of candy. She is such a sweetheart and I'm excited to have her as part of family as well.

I won't lie. Until we have that official adoption paperwork complete there is a bit of a cloud of fear still hanging over our heads. I know it's completely unnecessary, and everything that's left is just technical stuff, but I can't wait until it's all completely over.

But for now we're celebrating. For the last 17 months we've juggled bio parent visits. Our entire lives have revolved around accommodating this visit schedule. Making sure he was perfectly clean, well dressed and ready to go on time. Often to find out at the last minute that the visit was canceled. Or forgetting about a visit and the stress of not having him "visit ready" and worrying if a call would be put in to DCS because he had a wet diaper or food on his clothes (which YES has happened). Even 4 year old Eliza asked, "So this means no more visits??" and was thrilled to find out that yes, no more visits. 

Eliza's funny

I told Eliza tomorrow was the last of the year. She dramatically wailed and cried.

"What? Why are you sad??" I asked, clearly confused.

"Now it will NEVER be my birthday!" she sobbed.

"What? Yes, your birthday is still just 22 days away." I said, still confused.

"No! You said it's the LAST DAY!"

"OF THE YEAR YOU GOOSE, NOT ALL TIME!" And then I proceeded to laugh, while Eliza wiped her tears.

"Huh?" She asked.

And then I went on to explain that it was the last of the calendar year, and it will be 2019, and it will be January so her birthday will be even closer. Though I really had to laugh that her response to thinking it was the last day, ever, for all time, was that she would miss her 5th birthday.


And a few days earlier...

Eliza - "Mom, I think I have it all figured out. Grandma and Grandpa are daddy's mom and dad. And Nan and Pop are your mom and dad."

"Yep. That's right."

E - "But then who is Nan and Pop's mom and dad? JESUS??"

Magical nights

Not a great picture but it's all I've got to show you how much fun we had last night. This will be quick because I'm sitting in a "student-no-show" for VIPKID, but the student can show up at any time. So I will be brief, but I wanted to write something because otherwise this night will be soon forgotten. We loaded up the kids and a few friends in the back of Aaron's truck, as I sat in the cab with the babies and Aaron drove. The kids sang Christmas carols at the top of their lungs, and Nora sang along through the little window. Matthew danced in his car seat. We drove around and looked at lights in our neighborhood. Then we loaded up into the big van and got hot chocolate and went to Candy Cane Lane. There was a tour bus of retired people and the sidewalks were littered with little white haired old ladies. We had our windows down while we blasted the Christmas songs. And then I had the devious idea of putting on Grandma Got Run Over by A Reindeer. Which had Aaron in stitches. It was pretty funny. Then at the house with the candy canes the news was there filming. I had been cooking and baking all day and have been fighting a cold, so I was in really grubby clothes. Stained sweat pants, a pun t-shirt, and no shoes. I ran out to grab the candy canes because if we let all the kids out it would have been chaos. I am not sure how much the news filmed or what they will use but there is footage of me somewhere out there looking like a wreck, taking candy canes off a fence.

My 7 year old Nathan.

Link cake.
Fortnite shirt.
Playing Super Smash Bros on the Switch with his favorite people.

I think he had a pretty perfect birthday weekend.

And I wish I could keep him like this forever. Nathan is smart, kind, and just seriously a great kid. Doesn't hurt that he thinks the world of me too. I feel like we're on the cusp of change in our family and it terrifies me a little bit. So instead of being scared I'll just try to savor the moments and remember how quickly it all changes.

I was asking the kids if they liked my ideas for Christmas presents for Daddy. Nathan piped in, "Mom - whatever YOU get Daddy, he will love it.  If you tell him to. He will do anything you want! Especially at Christmas." Made my heart melt a little and just so glad that is his example of fatherhood and marriage. Hopefully though Aaron won't have to be told to like his Christmas presents.

Also, just an illustration of how much he loves me that I never want to forget.... There is an album called Broken Bride by Ludo. The whole thing is one continuous story about a man trying to go back in time to save his wife from dying in a car accident. It's sad, tragic and beautiful. To fully appreciate this story you need to just listen to it (at least the first and last song) My kids love it and we have the CD going almost every time we're in the car. One morning Nathan had a question about it. "How does the guy get back to his mom?" I start to explain and then pause, "...wait, Nathan, do you think this song is about his mom?"  Nathan, confidently, "Of course!"  *cue tears*

Finding joy in the little moments

I often feel like my life is complete chaos. And let's be real, most of the time it is. (I actually started this post two days ago, got interrupted and I'm just getting back to it now, at 8:30 on a Thursday.) Lately though, I've been able to find a lot of joy in the little things. Slowing down and taking a step back and just watching this incredible life unfold in front of me. Last night we had homemade pizza for dinner. The kids loved rolling out their dough and adding their own toppings. Everyone was fighting over the rolling pin, and notice who has it in the picture. Ms. Nora, Queen of Everything. 

Also, after dropping the kids off at school, on the way home we found this random pile of snow in someone's front yard. I couldn't NOT pull over and let my little girls get out and play for a bit. I hoped if anyone came out and was angry about it, their happiness and cuteness would win them over. But no one ever came out, and the girls had a great time.

I'm always thinking of the next thing I need to do. Or that I should be doing. Every once in a while it feels good to just let go of all of that, and just be with my kids. We've had a lot of fighting and yelling around here lately and I am certain a big part of it is from me, when I get mad about things not getting done and I yell, and it all trickles down. But we're a work in progress and I think we'll figure it out eventually. 

Foster Parenting Update

So we had court two weeks ago, and they severed the parents rights. But now they need to hold a placement hearing (or trial, I can't keep all the legal words straight) in January. This will finally determine if Matthew will stay with us or go to his great-aunt in Texas. I feel like there is no way the judge will want to move him to TX at this point. He has been with us his whole life and he will be 16 months at the trial. However, keeping children with their parents is the goal, and this aunt is willing to take the bio mom and Matthew. This possibility absolutely terrifies me.

I will be asked to testify at this hearing. Just thinking about it makes my heart race like crazy. I stay up at night rehearsing what I think I'm going to say, wondering what will be asked, wishing this process was different. And yes - JANUARY is when we go back. It's not that far off, but it feels like forever when I'm obsessing like this.

If it does go our way and we are chosen as placement for Matthew then we start the adoption process. Which from what I hear typically takes 6 months. So maybe by like July we will have all of this behind us and he will officially be ours. I try not to let myself get too carried away thinking this far ahead, but I've already planned the party and know what I'm going to wear.

As far as how Matthew is doing - he is wonderful. Still just a happy, easy going, teenie tiny little guy. He finally started saying some words, sort of. He has "uh-oh" down. And he started saying "iiiii" for hi and bye. And he makes a lot of sounds, sometimes some of them sound like words, but he's definitely a little behind where he should be. He's been so interested in the Christmas decorations and I'm so excited for this holiday season to see both him and Nora flipping out about the lights and decorations is just so much fun.

Our Thanksgiving was great. My parents were able to fly out and we had a nice, pretty quiet Thanksgiving. It was so good to see my parents, but their flight was cancelled and they ended up having to lose 3 days of their vacation.

Well I have more to write but nap time's ended. Nora and Matthew are both crying.