A post about Jesse

          I've been kind of quiet on the blog lately. Trying to at least keep updates on my kids and stuff but mostly it's been hard because really heavy topics are on my heart and mind and it's hard to write about the funny things my kids do and say when I really want to talk about my family, drug addiction and missing my brother.

       Tomorrow marks 6 months since I last saw my brother. Words usually come easily to me. I sit down to write and the words just kind of flow and later I go back and read what I wrote and occasionally I'm surprised at what I wrote! This phenomenon does not seem to occur when I want to write about Jesse. I sit down and start to write the words just stop. I don't know what to say. I don't know what's left to say, or why it's important to say it. Not a day goes by that my heart doesn't ache. It aches for my mom, and my entire family who miss him. But it also aches for so much potential that is now gone.

        I think that is what hurts the most. I know once people are gone it seems like all you can say is how wonderful and amazing and what a good person they were. So it feels like a cliche to talk about what a wonderful person Jesse was. I wish everyone reading this knew him, because the ones who did just know exactly what I'm talking about. He had a way of making everyone think they were his best friend. Every girl friend I've ever had, at one point had a crush on him. Literally every single one. Even my best friend admitting to me that she day dreamed about marrying him when we were younger -- and she didn't confess that to me until after he died! He was insanely good at everything he tried, but most notably hockey. He was also infectiously enthusiastic about anything he liked, or felt strongly about. Listening to him and my husband talk about Diablo was enough to put me to sleep. And I made a comment, "Aren't you embarrassed to be this excited about a video game?" I asked, after about a half hour of them talking about their level 40 mages or whatever. And he laughed and was like, "Why would I be embarrassed about something this awesome? If someone doesn't like this, I don't have time for them. I do not care. This game is awesome." And went back to his conversation with Aaron about all the awesomeness of this video game.

       He would never hurt anyone's feelings. My grandmother got him a too-small Rangers sweatshirt for Christmas, a couple of weeks before he died. His face lit up and he enthusiastically put it right on over his dress shirt he was already wearing. It was obvious that it was a bit too small, but he knew Nan would be upset so he insisted it was fine. "It's just this shirt underneath it, it's fine Nan, it's fine." He assured her over and over with a smile. And then he left that shirt on for the rest of the night.

      I wish I had more recent memories of him to draw from. But my earliest memories all include him. I even vaguely remember going to the hospital when he was born. (For the record I turned 2, almost exactly one month before he was born.) I remember teaching him his ABC's, before he turned 2. I remember being at his doctor's appointment and the doctor being impressed that he could sing his ABC's, and my little 3 year old self feeling such a sense of pride in this little person.

          My entire childhood is memories of us playing, imagining, video-gaming, and of course fighting. Nonstop fighting. Fist fighting, yelling, screaming... we didn't make it easy on my mom. We even started a fight club in my basement with the neighbor kids. The only rule was, "No telling Mom". And if you cried you were out.

         He had this puppy dog like admiration for our older neighbor boy, Keith. He'd just wait outside for Keith to come out and then beg Keith to play with him. Nice enough, many times Keith would play with him. But I'm pretty sure Kieth was like learning to drive, in high school, and didn't really have much time for the 5 year old boy who was obsessed with him. Though that didn't stop Jesse's devotion.

      I also remember him learning about illegal immigration when we were in middle school. He went into some ancient version of Microsoft Word on our Gateway computer and typed up these "facts" about the number of illegal immigrants in our country. I don't remember exactly what it was, something like, "FIVE MILLION ALIENS COME TO THIS COUNTRY EVERY YEAR! THAT'S F*&%ING B#$&*@#!!!!!!!!!!!!!"   In like size 200 font. And he hung these up all over the house. My mom told him he could not hang these signs up all over the house, so he put them up all over his bedroom. I think I remember this so clearly because one of those signs was still there years later when I was getting ready to move out. Now regardless of where you stand on illegal immigration you have to laugh at a 13 year old making offensive political posters to hang up around his house. I know as an adult he'd probably be ashamed and embarrassed by this story. But I don't tell it to make a point about his political views, just his passion and silliness I guess. It comes to my mind often and makes me laugh for some reason.

    We used to say Jesse was never a baby. He was on the move before he could walk. We lived upstairs from my grandparents and he'd slide down the stairs on his stomach and crawl over to Poppy's chair. He was riding a 2 wheel bicycle before his 3rd birthday. He really grew up fast. He grew up too fast and he died too soon.
 
     While I was back visiting I could really just feel this gaping hole he has left behind. His presence was bigger than I ever realized. I don't know how to explain it. But it just feels so wrong. When we're all together it doesn't feel like just one person isn't there. It feels entirely different. All of us cousins got together one night and it just felt so off. I guess the dynamic is changing, and that change hurts. A lot. It's heart breaking.
 
     We're all growing from this. One way or another. And I can't speak for everyone else I guess, but my empathy for drug addicts has grown so much. I also have an ever growing hatred for secrets and small talk. Life is short, let's be real and talk about what matters. Spend as much time as you can with the people you love and do something silly. Something you'll remember. Because death is a certainty for all of us. One day all we'll have are those memories, so make them and treasure them. This is how I'm growing, and it hurts, but I guess this is how we grow.

Wow that was rough!

So in April I had a breakdown of sorts, due to not being with my family in NJ on Easter. In this emotionally charged moment I made the decision that I would take the kids to NJ this summer, by myself. And it would be fine. It would be great. I had to do it.

Well on June 8th, with only about 2 hours of sleep, we took off for NJ. I rocked the airport. I had this idea the night before to tie ropes to my stroller for each child to hold on to. We looked like this walking through Sky Harbor.

Many people stopped me to tell me how genius this was, and how well behaved my kids were. I was feeling pretty good.

Then the flight was just rough. Olivia did amazing, sat two rows back in a window seat and I literally didn't see her the entire flight. Abigail and Nathan did pretty good, happy to watch shows on their tablets. The biggest issue was Abigail resting her feet on the seat in front of her. But the lady was mostly understanding, and Abigail was trying, she'd just randomly absent-mindedly put her feet out. Eliza however was a handful. She only slept for about 20 minutes of the entire 4 hour flight. But we did it.

Then about two nights into our trip Eliza screams all night. To the point that I'm thinking I should maybe go to the emergency room because none of my kids ever cried that loud for that long. It was really the most miserable night I've ever had. Ended up going to an urgent care type place at 7:00AM and they thought she might have coxsackie virus. She had a few sores on the insides of her cheeks. She also had an upset stomach and puked all over the waiting room. She was pretty grumpy the next week or so, but fortunately didn't have any more nights like that one.

Then a few days later I found myself back at the urgent care with Nathan. He had an ear infection and it was his turn to be a bit miserable.

But despite the lack of rest we had a lot of fun and made some great memories. My kids went to the Liberty Science Center, saw a puppet show of Jack and the Bean Stalk with their great-grandmother, went to the beach multiple times, went to Fun Time America, went to Chuck-E-Cheese, went the St. Mary's Fair, went to the Keansburg Boardwalk, went fishing with their Pop, and spent lots of time outside swimming and exploring. Lots of fun times. Fun for them, exhausting for every adult around them.

Then the day we traveled home was straight from hell. I don't even want to relive all the horrors of that day, but just know I cried, like sobbed, bawled, hysterically cried about 30% of the flight home. It was just so hard. And there was a lack of friendly faces, and people were just mean and I just wanted to be home. I wanted be home so badly that I wanted to drive 3 hours after the 5 hour flight. In my mind the kids would sleep in the car, when we got home Aaron would carry them to their beds where they would sleep peacefully the rest of the night and I would climb into my own glorious bed and sleep soundly. Of course it didn't go that well, no where near that actually. About an hour away from home Eliza starts puking. Everyone wakes up, we have windows down so the smell doesn't make everyone else throw up. About the same time I get a text from Aaron telling me our AC is broken and it's 88 degrees upstairs. So when we finally do get home everyone is wide awake and crazy, we have to clean puke covered baby, car seat and van. I can't sleep in my own bed because it's hot as heck, and I can't stop laughing, then crying, then laughing again. Fortunately my mother-in-law drove me home and she helped get kids in bed, and Aaron cleaned the puked on stuff while I cleaned the puked on baby, and I was so exhausted the couch made a fine bed. And they were able to fix the AC quickly that night.

Then the next day I start not feeling so hot. The day after that I know I'm definitely sick. I have strep throat again, and am living in the misery of high fever, body aches, and a throat so sore I can't swallow my own saliva. My saving grace through this is that at least it coincides with Aaron being off from work and I've been able to lay in bed and rest. Though I miss him so much I wish we could actually be spending time together instead of me laying in bed convinced I'm going to be the first person to die from strep throat.

And that's the start of our summer. Hopefully July is more restful!

Just getting up to date.

I've been neglecting this old blog of mine and I know I'll regret it. One of my favorite things to do is go back and look at old posts and remember all the things I have completely forgotten. So this post will just be a bit of getting caught up. My family was here last week (Mom, Dad and sister... I can't even begin to tell you how weird that feels, that that is my entire family. But that's a whole other post in and of itself). My cousin Jackie even came on Mother's Day. We had a great time. I wrote all the details in my actual journal so here I'll just share the pictures.








One day Nathan and I made a blanket fort in the living room and hung out in there for a while. At one point he told me he was Link and I was a tired old lady who just stayed in the house. That was definitely my favorite role to ever play in any of my kids games. I can definitely do tired, old lady really well. Then some magic turned us both into "Red Link" and we had "red boots, red sword, red shield, red shirt, red hat, and a red hook shot." It cracked me up. If you ask him what his favorite color is he says he likes all the colors. But whenever given the chance to ever chose something with a color he always chooses red. Sometimes I'll ask him who his favorite person is (hoping of course that he'll say me) and he always says, "I love allbodies. Aaaallll the peoples are my favorite." He's like 3.5 now and most of his words that he's said wrong forever he's figured out, but a few have stuck around and I think my heart will break when he says it right. Like allbodies, instead of everybody. And he says "drinky" instead of thirsty. With my older girls I was more concerned about them knowing the right words, but with him, I just realize how fast he's growing up and I'm just a-okay with his cute words. A little more about Nathan right now... he's such a protective brother. It's really cute, and really surprising to me. Because it just comes naturally. I swear he's more vigilant about watching Eliza than I am! I am a very laid back mom (probably to a fault!) and so when he's following her around and freaking out because she put something in her mouth it always catches me off guard because he really hasn't seen that modeled, it's just in his nature. Which melts my heart. And makes me grateful! And at times frustrated because sometimes I give her food, he doesn't know and freaks out because she's eating something and tried to get it out of her mouth which then sends her into a fit! But mostly it's adorable. He had to stay in the girls room when my family was here and now he really doesn't want to be alone and go back in his own room, so bed time has been fun lately.

This is a perfect representation of Eliza. Can't you just feel the attitude in this picture? And she's wearing a diaper and shoes only because she loathed the cute romper I had on her. Like screaming and tearing at it, and yelling until I finally gave in and took it off her. But she loved those shoes. When I tried to take those off for nap time she threw a fit similar to the romper fit earlier. Yes, this is a pattern. She is feisty, hilarious, smart, demanding, cuddly, and just so much personality it's bursting out of her. She waves to everyone, tries to repeat everything you say, loves to dance and read... she's completely and utterly exhausting. But we sure love her.

Words of wisdom from Abgail

Sometimes Abigail is super deep for a 5 year old, and she utterly inspires me. I don't think she realizes what she's saying is so brilliant or deep, but often times it strikes me as exactly what I needed to hear in that moment.

For example...

A few weeks ago she was hesitant to go in the pool because the water was freezing. She was running all around the outskirts of the pool, occasionally dipping her toe in. Then, to my shock, she yelled,

"What am I doing? GOODBYE FEARS! HELLO LIFE!" And just dove straight into the deep end of the pool.

So much can be learned from this moment, am I right??  So many metaphors. Goodbye fears, hello life.

Next example, we were on a bike ride. "We" in this sentence, meaning Olivia, Abigail, and me pulling Nathan and Eliza behind in the bike trailer. We're going along, with the rule "NO RACING!" (because someone always cries). But of course, even if it's not a race, it IS a race... and Abigail got distracted and was pretty far behind. I was a bit ahead because, well momentum! Pulling that trailer full of kid is not easy, so I just peddled along at a slow enough pace, but honestly I have no clue how far behind Abigail was. I didn't even realize she was far enough behind to be upset about it, until she was speeding past me with the world's largest grin on her face. When we got home she told me this: 

"Mom, I was so sad because I was so far behind you and Olivia, I just wanted to stop and give up. I thought I could never catch up. And then I said to myself, 'Well not like that, you won't!' And I just started thinking, 'I think I can, I think I can!' and I did it! That's how you do it."

I think we have a future motivational speaker on our hands. This plus her, "I can do hard things" mantra from her 3 year old self, is pretty unstoppable.

PS - I had other examples that left my brain the moment I started typing this. Maybe I'll come back and add to it later if they come back to me. (But don't hold your breath for that.)

So this post started as a Facebook status but was getting too long so I decided to make it a blog post but I'm writing from my phone so please forgive me for the extra typos!

I've had all these thoughts lately that I want to share but for once the words escape me. I can't find exactly what I'm trying to say. So here are the facts then I will add my thoughts and maybe it will make sense.

My brother died on Friday January 2nd. But his death certificate says January 5th. 

This year Easter is on April 5th. 

The last time Easter was on April 5th was 1953. 

Also, not as infrequent but still fun fact, general conference was on Easter this year.

I do not believe in coincidences. I believe God is in the details of our lives. And I think, through the error of the date on his death certificate (it's debatable if it's really an error but I think it is) we are reminded of the resurrection and what it really means.

Here is another fact, the day after Christ was crucified and the day before Christ was resurrected, was a day of total darkness.  What were those people thinking? Did they understand his message? Did they have hope they would see their beloved Brother again? I think that dark day was very dark, in more ways than one. I can't say for certain because we don't know for sure, but based on their reactions when they heard He was risen, makes me think they were surprised and some doubtful. 

And only one was there at the tomb in the morning. Where was the blind he healed? The women he forgave? Those 5,000 he miraculously fed and taught... Where were they that first Easter morn? Had they already forgotten the miracles they experienced, as we so often do? In that darkness did they forget the hope and promise of Jesus Christ? But then He did it. He broke the bands of death and returned to his disciples, and brought with Him the light. 

And I think of us, in our day, living in our own darkness. Ours lasts longer than a day, but the pattern is the same. We were with Christ before we were born, and we will be reunited with him when our time on this earth is through. Meanwhile I hope I can be like Mary and actively seek after my savior. Serve him, love him, and tell everyone that He is truly risen!

I know I will see my brother again. I know he is not as far as he seems and before long this darkness will be over and I will be with my brother and Poppy again. 

So there, that's most of my thoughts. Maybe I can sleep now!

This week was the worst.

Tonsillitis is so painful. Started with muscle aches, fever, higher fever, exhaustion, then the kind of sore throat that's so bad you can't swallow your own saliva you are spitting into a cup. It was the worst. And all during Olivia's 7th birthday!  Today was the first day I woke up and felt pretty good, minus a headache. Then that tiny headache turned into the worst migraine of my life. 

I had to call people and ask for help several times this week. That never gets easy to me. I  am so grateful though for so many people who were so willing to watch my kids, clean my house, and cook my family dinner. Yuma may not be the most glorious place in the world but it is really full of some amazing people. So humbling to be served so much. 

So yeah this week goes down in the record books as one of the hardest, most miserable weeks of my 30 years on this earth. Hopefully it's over and the weekend will bring happiness!

Some late night thoughts about motherhood

I have some amazing, strong willed children. One particularly more strong willed than the others, and a baby who may just be following in those footsteps, time will tell. And I'm learning, and trying and some days are amazing. And some days are so hard. But I keep thinking about the phrase, "Have joy in your posterity." These babies are a blessing from God, to bring me joy! Not drive me insane. The more I remind myself of that, the better.

And the joy has come in some sweet little moments lately.

Tonight Olivia told me, out of the blue, "Mom you are just so cool." I have to write this down because I am sure the day is close on the horizon that she will never use me and cool in the same sentence ever again.

The other night putting Nathan to bed he gave me a big hug and said simply, "You're my mom."
There is really no reason that should have made me cry, but I found myself choking back tears nonetheless. I felt so unbelievably blessed to have this moment. And I was able to appreciate it. That doesn't happen too often!

Eliza has been extra cuddly lately. I just can't help but feel so blessed when she snuggles her head into my shoulder. And as I lovingly rub her back, she will wrap her little arms around me and mimic me, rubbing my back in return. Sweetest thing ever, am I right?

Abigail never gives up. We go to the park most mornings and she finally learned how to pump. And she exclaimed, "See Mom! That's what can happen if you never give up! You taught me that." Cue the tears. I so love that she has learned this lesson so early in life. And I hope she keeps it with her throughout her life. She loves to make us all laugh, and she has so much more going on in that little head than she ever lets on about.

I love these little people so much. And they do bring me so much joy. There is a scripture that we have adopted as our family scripture, "I have no greater joy than to know that my children walk in truth." I can certainly testify of its truth. There really is no greater than feeling than seeing your children grow and make wise decisions. My kids are all still so little, but even in these small things it brings my heart so much joy.

So far this post makes it seem like I really have my stuff together. I really don't. I feel the need to keep things real at all times on this blog, so I will tell you this... I have done the bare minimum lately. Laundry was so out of control it took my husband two days of hard work doing laundry nonstop to help get me back on top of it. I couldn't sleep tonight so I literally spent 30 minutes scraping who-knows-what off my kitchen floor. Took the kids to Chik-Fil-A for dinner, and Olivia kept stealing her sister's food, pretended to SNEEZE on her sister's food, and Nathan kept screaming at the top of his lungs over every little thing, and Eliza wouldn't stay in the high chair or stroller, and cried and squirmed until she was happily on my lap. My kids watch way too much TV, and play way too many video games... I really need to get that under control. So yeah, there's real life for ya!