How am I supposed to have patience for this??

Olivia literally just threw an all out fit, crying and screaming because it's called an "English Muffin".

"IT'S NOT EVEN A MUFFIN!" She wailed.

I sent her to her room to cry about it, because... seriously?!

My patience is very thin these days and I hate it. Nathan wants to watch videos of trains and garbage trucks all day long on YouTube. If I even think about sitting down near the computer, he hops up on the chair and points and says, "Choochoos!" And then doesn't leave me alone until we watch some choochoos. The only way I'm writing this right now is because he is distracted by his one other love.. playing in the sink. I wouldn't even mind the choochoos so much if it wasn't for the fact that after watching it for about 20 seconds he clicks on another video. And then another. And another. Never completely finishing an entire 2 minute clip. Why that drives me insane, I don't know, but it does.

We have entered the stage of pregnancy where I don't even think about how often the tv is on. Or how many fruit snacks have been consumed. Or how many times I have screamed, "STOP IT!" at the top of my lungs. I swear no one listens until I am a screaming lunatic.

And I'm tired. But I can never sleep. Well that's not true. I feel like if I could lay down in my bed right now, I'd be out like a light. But as soon as it's night time, and the kids are actually all asleep and the house is cleaned up... I am wide awake.

35 weeks tomorrow. Imagine if I had this baby early? Another 3 weeks of pregnancy sounds SO much better than 6. Perhaps it will be a Christmas miracle!

My Thoughts While I Can't Sleep

     In church on Sunday our Relief Society lesson was on a Christ centered Christmas. It touched me and I left the meeting with a desire to really try to focus on Christ this holiday season, and not get too caught up in all the stresses of decorations, presents, parties, etc. Of course there has to be some of that, but in my heart I tried to think of ways we could draw closer to our Savior, while also enjoying all the fun of the season. 

       So yesterday we set out to Home Depot to get a Christmas Tree and lights for our house, and a Nativity to put in the front yard as part of the Christmas decorations. We found the trees, we found the lights, but could not find a nativity. I asked an employee, who was working in their seasonal department where I could find a nativity. She stared at me blankly, then said, "I'm sorry this is going to sound stupid, but what's that?" I thought maybe she didn't hear me correctly. "A Nativity...." She replied, "Yeah, I don't know what that is." So I explained, "Ya know, like statues of Mary, Joseph and baby Jesus."  "Oh alright, alright, here ya go." She said as she led me to a box that contained a beautiful nativity to put under a tree. I asked if there was one that could go outside. She said, "I'm pretty sure you could put this outside and it would be fine." Well gee lady, I'm sure I could, but the figures were about 12 inches, and it wasn't exactly what I had in mind!

         I looked around at the holiday displays and was getting angrier and angrier. I mean they had a pig with a Santa hat! A peacock! Any cartoon character from Spongebob to Big Bird! But no where could I find a baby Jesus!

        Now I understand many people who aren't Christian celebrate Christmas just because it's fun. I also understand that you can trace all these holidays we Christians celebrate back to some pagan holiday, and Christ wasn't even really born in December if you look at history and blah blah blah.  But it makes my heart sad that more people than not feel this way about Christmas. It makes me think about how they kicked prayer out of schools, and mentioning religion in anyway is "offensive" and people make a big stink about it. And now we're kicking Jesus out of his own holiday, and replacing him with Spongebob. 

        I don't know. I feel like reserving a month of the year to focus on the greatest gift the world was ever given is a great thing. And I can't change the world and direction things seem to be going. But I can do what I can in my life and for my family to try to make this time more about the Savior and less about pigs in Santa hats.

        Step one was teaching my children what the word Nativity meant. Just in case they ever end up Home Depot employees some day!

        Step two ... I decided personally I'm going to try to work on developing more Christ like attributes. Each week I'm picking a different attribute and focusing on building that throughout the week. This week's attribute is compassion. I'll let you know how it goes.

Thanksgiving

I went through heck to get my girls matching outfits for Thanksgiving and I didn't even get a picture of them together!! We went up to Mesa for a quick visit for Thanksgiving. Wednesday night we went out to dinner with most of Aaron's siblings and parents. It was delicious and fun. Then on Thanksgiving we went to Great Grandpa Opie's. The kids had a BLAST which was so fun to see. Love knowing they are making awesome memories and I get to just sit and talk to other adults. I spent the day feeling so grateful for all these blessings, and even though kids require so much energy, they really do bring so much joy.

Abigail's Birthday

This cute girl turned 4.. oh you know like a month ago. I posted about it a bit, but here are some pictures from her fun party in Mesa, and her presents at our house on her actual birthday.

Pinanta Aftermath ... Having a Nov. 1st Birthday = great use of Halloween Candy!

Singing Happy Birthday

Thank you Aunt Becky for the awesome cake! Abigail asked for a chocolate cake with M&M's on it. I'd say Becky nailed it.

She asked me for a cake that was really a giant cookie. I made this cookie cake with homemade chocolate buttercream frosting... SOOOO good!

And Nathan showing me his hand. While not wearing pants. Just because.

Quiet Kids.

I just gave each of my kids a package of cotton candy and turned on cartoons so that I could have 10 minutes to myself. The plan was to use this time to do dishes, but I decided I wanted to write a quick update instead.

Abigail started dance class today. She was adorable. And Abigail is becoming more and more of a lone wolf. At her birthday party she was mostly off by herself playing by herself. Whenever we have playdates she usually goes off and does her own thing. For a while I figured it was just her age, but now she's 4, and I kind of worry.And sometimes she cries and says no one wants to play with her. Like when we are McDonalds and she's trying to join in some big kids game or something. I tell ya nothing breaks a momma's heart more. I sometimes wonder if she has gotten her feelings hurt so many times, so she would rather just stick to herself. But I think part of it is just her nature. I'd rather just hang out with one friend than a large group, and Aaron's the same, so she comes by it rightly. The other day Aaron asked her what her favorite cartoon was. She said, "Jake and the Neverland Pirates". When he asked her why she said, "Because there's not too many people." And that's just so her. But still, I worry, so today she started dance. And in January she'll start preschool. The dance class only has 2 other kids, so 3 girls total. Perfect for her, "not too many people".

Nathan is doing awesome going on the potty. Except he hates underwear. So as long as he's naked, we're good. But when we leave the house he asks for a diaper, and literally screams bloody murder if I try to put unders or even a pull-up on him! He's talking more and more. I love hearing the new words he says every day. He makes hilarious facial expressions and cracks me up all day. He really has been so good lately. He also learned to say sorry in the cutest little voice. It seriously makes everything forgivable.

And that brings us to Olivia. Well... I missed her Thanksgiving feast. Probably my biggest mom fail to date. I was supposed to send in money for to participate, and I totally forgot about it. I emailed her teacher because I remembered it was coming up, but couldn't remember when. Turns out I emailed her THE day of the feast... just after it was over. Fortunately they still let her go and be part of it, I just wasn't there. But I didn't know they let her be part of it, so when I read the email that it was that day, I cried a lot. I felt terrible and went to the bakery and got her a cupcake. And then she came home and told me lots of moms weren't there, and she still got to go and have fun. So guess it wasn't that big of a fail as I initially thought it was.

And I'm 31 weeks pregnant (well tomorrow technically) and I feel huge and tired and done. But 9 weeks to go!... or 10 most likely.

We all know we're supposed to try and enjoy each moment, especially when raising little kids, because you hear about 1,000 times a day how quickly time passes. But when you're living it, it really doesn't feel like it's passing very fast at all. And sometimes when you're staring at the clock waiting for it to be a reasonable hour to send your children to bed, and that hour is still at least 2 hours away, and kids are screaming and fighting and whining, and crying... it feels like time stops. Not in a romantic lovely way, but in a "How the crap is it only 4:45?!" kind of way.

And then you read some blog post about how it's okay to not love every minute, and you feel better.

But lately (as in the past two days) I have been loving every minute more. I know it's crazy, but some day it will be really weird to get Nathan out of the bath, and while drying him off ask him if he's delicious, and then pretend to eat his tummy and make him crack up. When he's 1, that's normal and cute. When he's 20 that's totally creepy.

Maybe it has to do with Aaron's brother receiving his mission call (Russia!) and realizing that some day that will be my baby boy. I mean wasn't it just yesterday Samuel was 10 and eating paper? Time really does fly, and I'm feeling it. So tonight instead of putting on cartoons for my kids while I went on facebook/pinterest/whatever, I turned everything off and just sat and watched cartoons with them. I remembered sitting on my Poppy's lap in his recliner and watching Looney Toons. I loved having him watch it with me, and I distinctly remember being aware that he was enjoying it. Or at least he was doing a good job pretending to. In fact he did such a good job that I genuinely believed he loved Road Runner so much that I called him every single time it came on, to let him know it was on so he could go watch it. I was a thoughtful child like that. Never mind that it was a long distance phone call at the time! Anyway, as all three kids tried to cuddle on my lap, I could tell how happy they were that I was enjoying the cartoons too.

And when it came time to put them to bed I wasn't rushing to get the heck away from them and to my precious bath tub where I could unwind from the day, I lingered and sang a few extra songs, and tried to be patient with their 50 million end of the day questions. ("Is God the king of the whole universe, or just earth? Did the girl have a key for the secret garden? What are we going to do tomorrow?")

I know this is a phase, and surely I'll be going crazy again soon, but the last two days have been nice. At least in this regard. Let's not talk about how my brain is shrinking with each pregnancy and I can't form a complete thought, and today I may or not have backed out of my garage before opening the garage door all the way... yes slightly damaging both the car, and the garage door. And how I can't remember to plug my phone in and keep it charged for more than 24 hours. And how I burned dinner so badly tonight we ended up having cereal. Lest I led you to believe every moment is magic around here the past 48 hours.

Skip this post unless you really, really like reading about birth.

This question has been on my mind and I want to just write it out because that's what helps me think and form my thoughts. I've given birth 3 times now, each experience completely different from the other. Olivia - in the hospital with an epidural (after 26+ hours of hard labor!) Abigail - in the hospital with no drugs, but I certainly wouldn't call it natural! And then Nathan at home, which I would call a very natural birth.

Now getting ready to have baby number 4 and I can't stop thinking about how I want to have this baby.

What I loved about my home birth:
-Getting to sleep in my own bed.
-No nurses coming in at crazy hours to find out when my baby last pooped, or check my blood pressure.
-No fighting anyone for what I wanted - ie, no Hep B vaccine at birth, and no eye goopy stuff. It was seriously so nice to be in the care of someone who completely respected my opinion either way. Fetal monitoring limited to a stethoscope.
-Very, very minimal cervical checks - as in 1.
-No coached pushing. Literally the contractions pushed him out, and I just screamed. No pushing! Actually, if I'm being honest there was a moment when I thought, "If I push maybe this will just be over faster." And so with a contraction I gave the tiniest push, and out he came. There was no legs up in stirrups, no one yelling "PUSH!" it all just happened very naturally.
-Laboring at home, and not having to worry about going to the hospital too soon. Plus it was just comfortable. Walking around my own house, playing video games with my husband, talking to my best friend on the phone, folding laundry... all great labor activities! There's not that much to distract you from the pain in the hospital.
-Let's not forget my fabulous 3 hour massage. In my house. Seriously FANTASTIC, and every woman in labor deserves a massage.
-And this was unique, but we had the house to ourselves for 2 days with just Nathan, Aaron and me, because my fabulous mother took my girls for me. Yeah that was awesome. Got the "break" you get when you deliver at the hospital, but got to sleep in my own bed! I think that puts sleeping in my own bed on this list twice, but it deserves it. Sooo nice.
-Getting to hold my baby on my chest as long as I wanted, with no nurses waiting around to take him and clean him up. All mine!! I loved being the very first person to pick him up, bring him to my chest and bask in the magical moment. Of course he was screaming bloody murder, and the peaceful moment was more of a harsh reality check that there was now a third person I had to take care of!

What I didn't love about my home birth:
-It hurt. A lot.
-I worried I wouldn't be able to do it. I was never once worried about my baby. I trusted my midwife 110% and never would have done it otherwise. I knew she would be the first to suggest going to the hospital if something was wrong, but I knew she was equipped to handle 99% of what could happen.

What I loved about My hospital births:
-Nurses to take care of you, and have three meals delivered to you each day.
-Hospital swag - ya know the free diaper bag, cute pillow, cookies at 3 for Mommy and me. That was nice.
-The pain relief. That epidural with Olivia was freaking amaaaazing.
-Not having to clean anything. In your own house you still feel the need to tidy up, and whatnot. No doing that in the hospital!

What I hated about my hospital births:
-Having to fight for every single thing, and feeling like people thought I was making ignorant decisions about my baby.
-Pushing. Legs in stirrups, all the yelling. I was SO swollen after pushing. I didn't have that swelling after my home birth.
-Ugly hospital gowns.
-The potential for things to go wrong because of unnecessary medical interventions. Like checking my cervix every few hours and somehow telling me I was less than I was 4 hours ago!! That was literally the point I gave up and asked for the epidural. I am just scared of doctors and hospitals in general, so it's really hard for me to relax and labor in an environment where I'm just not comfortable.
-A nurse forcing me to pee, or threatening me with a catheter... I hadn't had anything to eat or drink for hours, how on earth do you expect me to pee?!  Fortunately my hubby went to bat for me on that one, and saved me from further pelvic trauma.
-Lactation Consultants who tell you you're off to a very bad start, when you felt like things were going great.
-Waiting around forever to get to go home.
-Being forced to fill out paperwork, and having to convince a receptionist it would have to wait because I was about to have baby.

Okay so this list makes it seem obvious that I'd do another home birth, right? But that's not an option in Yuma, so I HAVE to have the baby in the hospital. I've been promised it would be as natural as possible, but I'm sure most of what I hate about hospitals will be unable to be avoided, so then I think, well why even bother trying to make it natural. Why not get that lovely epidural??

So then I wonder if some of the "problems" I had with Olivia were in any way related to the epidural. I needed oxygen while pushing, and we had a horrible time with nursing at the beginning. My milk didn't come in for a WEEK! And she had some breathing issues. Was that just her? Was that just because it was my first?

So after writing this all out I think I'm going to labor at home as long as possible and then ask for an epidural as soon as I get to the hospital. But I worry about other things that could go wrong, like infection and spinal headache, and future back pain. But really those chances are slim, right? And the only con on my home birth list is that it hurt, but man it hurts a lot!! I'm going to talk to my midwife at my next appointment and see what she says.